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Regarding the annual search for the perfect swimming suit........
SOME of us have had this experience!!

THE BATHING SUIT

This one came via a lady in England - only gals would really understand this! (It is, supposedly, a true story written by a lady to her friend after a swimsuit shopping expedition).

"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a
mature figure boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks.

The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom
had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play
dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains. "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fitted a two piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome.

When I got home, I found a label that said, "Material will become transparent in water."

Why do men die first?  This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race - you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a male chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.


Men die first because they want to!!!!!
 

Now that is scary!

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, curiosity got the better of me and I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
 

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to hit on  my friend.
Amen

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store Amen.
 

Go to www.google.com , type: weapons of mass destruction
Click the "I'm feeling lucky" button NOT Search!! - read the error message carefully

We always  hear "the rules" from the female side.  Now here are the Rules from the male side.  These are our rules:-

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it.  Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of  it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what  we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it  yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.  Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's  wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss  such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
 

A Kiwi farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into he woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

Boys have to be different

A woman pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mum, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or  feminine. House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving  the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and  female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four  reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of  the feminine gender (la computer) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other  computers is  incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and,

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself  spending half your pay check on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the  time they ARE the problem; and,

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had  waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and  rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States .....that's why its called Wrigley's."

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