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Now that is a hangover!!!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I f!@*ing didn't"

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December

24, in45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

OH&S, I lost my job today!!!

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

MAN OF THE YEAR

Beer scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to
your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter! how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Mission Impossible

The human mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mind. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy , it deson't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

TAKE A LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW FIRST . .. .

SO, WHAT DID YOU SEE ?

NOW PROCEED AND READ THE FOLLOWING EXPLANATION OF WHAT

YOU REALLY SAW . . . I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING .

Research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such scenario.

What they will see are the nine dolphins.

This is a test to determine if you already have a corrupted mind. If it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 6 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted..

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a F*CKING cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension!

Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F**KING talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Thank F*CK for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better
of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through Darlinghurst a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

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