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more jokes...............

RUGBY WORLD CUP

The seven dwarfs..
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me" A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thanks god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

NEXT

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog iswearing a England rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave. The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big
game begins with the poms receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal. The dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to
everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him three years."

Moral of the Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he
decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is:

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed, and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most
definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's $150.00."

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

CAUTION:

Yesterday, I was car-hijacked at a traffic light! Be on the lookout for this scam. Here's how it happens:

A young woman proposes to wash your car window while you wait at the red light, and another one takes advantage of the distraction to open the back door and steal everything she can grab. Be warned, they are very
well organized!!!

Don't leave your doors or windows unlocked if you drive up to a red light!

And if this happens to you, don't allow yourself to be distracted by the girl washing your windscreen.

Please inform your friends of this new scam. It is serious! They have gotten me 12 times already.

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escape her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
But as she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away from what she has just done, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"

A CD player was stolen from my car

Fortunately a security camera mounted on a pole near my car recorded the incident.

The police have now been able to give me a photograph of the suspect to circulate to friends in the hope
that this person can be identified.

While some features are familiar to me I cannot positively identify the suspect; but you might be able to help.

Please let me know if you have any clues because, while losing the stereo doesn't really matter, I'd just love to get my hands on the suspect. The photo is attached.

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

The difference between Paris and Ipswitch!

AFFAIRS

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!". Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

THE THIRD AFFAIR:

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery:

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the man used his tools to remove the dead mans' schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner. "She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here,"! he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

THE FIFTH AFFAIR:

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
"Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

THE SIXTH AFFAIR:

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.

I'll make that $1 million AFTER tax, and I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

The genie spoke to the man and said "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about six hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SH!T. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

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