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a few good ones!

 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a  word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them  wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked  sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." 

Dear Abby:

Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my  character? Or should  I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

32 RULES FROM A GUY......

We keep getting these e-mails about how women are smarter, women are superior... women are stronger. We won't bother to argue about that.
But we will say, if they're so smart why can't they figure out these very simple things about us men. Very simple rules to follow and we'll be loving and content friends, spouses, partners. We've outlined 32 of them. "Rules to live together by"

1.     Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2.     If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3.     If you think you're fat, you probably are.   Don't ask us.   We refuse to answer.
4.     Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5.     If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Really, really listen to this one)
6.     Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.   Live with it.
7.     Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
8.     Sunday = Sports.   It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9.     Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.   You have enough clothes.
12.   You have too many shoes.
13.   Crying is blackmail.
14.   Ask for what you want.   Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.   Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
15.   No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
16.   Peeing standing up is more difficult.   We're bound to miss sometimes.
17.   Most guys own three pairs of shoes.   What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
18.   Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
19.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.   See a doctor.
21.  Foreign films are best left to foreigners.   (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what  the hell they're saying anyway...)
22.  Check your own oil.
23.  It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
24.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
25.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27.  Let us ogle.   We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
28.  You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
29.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30.  ALL men see in only 16 colours.   Peach is a fruit, not a colour.
31.  If it itches, it will be scratched.
32.  If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. Simple enough, right?

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else.
The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER

  Scary huh?

Austin Powers Chat Up Lines
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Nice legs...what time do they open
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outa me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
Are those real?
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well it's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
                                                                           

THE GIRL'S PRAYER
Our Cash, Which art on plastic, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Gucci watch, Thy Prada Bag,  In Myer, As it is in David Jones. Give us each day our Platinum Visa, And forgive us our overdraft, As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard, And lead us not into Katies  And deliver us from Sussans For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani  For Channel No. 5 and Eternity
 Amex

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
 "I was out getting a tattoo."
 "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
 "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
 "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms: Just do it..

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling..

Ford Condoms: The ride of your life..

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?..

Optus Condoms: Yes!..

KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin'' Good ...

M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands..

Duracell Condoms: Keeps going and going and going..

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop...

Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit...

Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day....

Tip Top Condoms: Good on ya mum - (available in Tasmania only)..

Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected..

VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now..

Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek..

Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together...

Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy The following brands would probably not sell
very well.....

Dunlop Condoms: Stick with Dunlop..

Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider ...

AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That ..

Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you..

TAC Condoms: Speed kills..

Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts..

Ericsson Condoms: Smaller....

Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face...

TAG HEUER Condoms: Don't crack under pressure...

Calvin Klein Condoms: Obsession for Men, Eternity for Women..

FOSSIL Condoms: It's about time...

Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm..

Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you..

Red Rooster Condoms: Your Chicken is Ready!..

Weet Bix Condoms: Aussie Kids....

WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes and sheilas. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a Queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. It's capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "Liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it's too bloody cold and wet. 

Next, there's NSW, realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi Lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together, stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the state bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a Queen). They had the Grand Prix but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant to this document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have Daylight Savings because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop the importing of convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our National Culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die of murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tell us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.
Not that we are whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.  We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, ..............at least we're better than the Kiwis.............

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"  

If you bought $1000 worth of Ansett stock one year ago, it would be worth  $49 Today.  If you bought $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the aluminium, you would have $52 today. Beer - is there anything it can't do?

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. 

At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them. 

"How are the three of you going to trevel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you all going to trevel without any ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and learn," answers an Aussie. When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

Q-What's the definition of eternity?

?
?
?
?

A-The time between when you cum and she leaves.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.
Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favourite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

Q: "Where should a man take me?"
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.

Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"
A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humour magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A  guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist" The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how
did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy . you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.. How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!"

More Jokes - hit the links below

To Joke Pages [2]    [3]    [4]    [5]    [6]     [previously published] be warned this is huge  

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Home     Discussion Forum    Calendar of Events    Past Rallies and Gatherings    Links    Cla$$ifieds    Rules    Awards   Jokes    Hefalump     Biker Friendly Places     Contact Us    Odds & ends   Sign Guestbook  View Guestbook   Friends of the 'cats   Sound & Video Clips   Recipes    Body Art   Wildcat Tats   View Old Guestbook    Hatched Matched & Dispatched    ABZ of RoadKill      Superbike Racing    Tell it how it is!    Emails and Press Releases     About Us