bike jokes

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bike jokes

You Might Be A Yuppie Biker If:

If you drink cappuccino instead of beer.

If you cant figure out why the battery on your new bike won't stay charged.

If your trailer has more miles on it than your bike

If your leathers still have creases

If you don't ride your bike to work because it scuffs your penny loafers.

If you move your bike and the grass is brown under the wheels.

If your tattoos wash off.

If you have doubled the weight of your bike with bolt on chrome.

If you have never kick started a bike before

If you buy bikes as investments.

If you refer to your bike as your "toy".

If you wear a full face helmet

If you wear a helmet

If you wear earplugs

If you really believe that there are bikes that come customized from the factory

If the last time you went to the Harley dealer you came home with golf balls and a toilet seat

If your Harley shirt has a collar

If its not fun to ride unless someone sees you

If you don't ride in the rain

If you can't find your oil filter

If you think any motorcycle is too loud

If your ponytail comes off with your cap

If you leave your garage door open just so people can see your bike

If you need a biker lingo book

If your a HOG member and think your an outlaw

If you think a wrench is a bitchy woman

If when you buy your bike you start calling everyone "bro"

If you stop 30 miles from a rally to unload your bike so you can ride in

If you think the models in the catalogues are what bikers are suppose to look like

If you worry about what bikers are suppose to look like

If other people you consider bikers scare you

If you complained about the "smell and fumes" near the back of your last group ride.

If you're reading this page and taking notes on how to be more like a real biker.

Senior Moments - Volvo driver??????

I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought Cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take forty different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I am 68 or 86 and I've lost all my friends.
But....thank God, I still have my N.S.W. drivers license.

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "I hear they are suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer, and now someone is suing the fast food goliaths for making them fat, so what I want to know is, Can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with ?"

THE AUSSIE BIKERS LOVE POEM

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING,
YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD.
AND WHEN I SAY YOUR GORGEOUS,
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD.

SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE,
I DON'T MIND A BIT OF FLAB.
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY,
THERE'S SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB.

SO YOUR BELLY ISN'T FLAT NO MORE,
I TELL YA, I DON'T CARE.
SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA,
I CAN GET MY ARMS 'ROUND THERE.

NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE,
HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS.
THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY,
BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST.

IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW,
I NEVER TELL YA LIES.
I THINK ITS VERY SEXY,
THAT YOU'VE GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS.

I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE,
NOW THE MOMENT THAT WE MET.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS AS GOOD,
AS I WAS EVER GONNA GET.

NO MATTER WOT YOU LOOK LIKE,
I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR.
NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE RACE IS,
ON AND GET ME ONE MORE BEER!

What's the difference between pubic hairs and sprouts?

Nothing, you move them both aside and keep eating!

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, & a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring & a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, & she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls & a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, & she would have known that I loved her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, & said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt & a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

Top 25 Things Biker Chicks Say....(That make Bikers love them!!)

1.) I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?

3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.

5.) God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.

7.) You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.

9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.

13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.

14.) Honey..our new neighbour is sunbathing nude again, come see!

15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.

16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.

17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.

18.) Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.

19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.

23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24.) That was a great fart! Do another one!

25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!

Bruce is riding over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Shirley about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Shirl, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Shirley turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Shirl.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And rides off.

Why Harley's are better than Women

Harleys only need their fluids changed every 2,000 kilometres

Harleys curves never sag

Harleys last longer

Harleys don't get pregnant

You can ride a Harley any time of the month

Harleys don't have parents

Harleys don't whine unless something is really wrong

You can kick your Harley to wake it up

You can share your Harley with your friends

If your Harley makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler

You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Harley when the old one is REALLY WORN

If your Harley smokes, you can do something about it

Harley's don't care about how many other Harley's you have ridden

When riding you and your Harley both arrive at the same time

Harley's don't care about how many other Harley's you have

Harley's don't mind if you look at other Harley's, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines

New Harley's must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them

If your Harley goes flat you can fix itf your Harley is too loose you can tighten it

If your Harley is too soft, you can get different shocks

If your Harley is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it

You can have a beer while riding your Harley

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Harley

You don't have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your Harley

If you say bad things to your Harley you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again

You can ride your Harley for as long as you like and it won't get sore

Your parents don't keep in touch with your old Harley after you dump it

Harley's always feel like going for a ride

Harley's don't insult you if you're a bad rider

Your Harley never wants a night out alone with other Harleys

Harley's don't care if you're late

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Harley

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Harley

If your Harley doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts

You can't get diseases from a Harley you don't know very well

If you get rid of your Harley it doesn't keep half of your stuff

If you leave town you don't have to worry if your Harley is letting somebody else ride it

You can trade your Harley in for a newer model without paying alimony

Your Harley doesn't mind if you play with it in public

Your Harley has an off switch

You can totally ignore your Harley for as long as you want

Your Harley won't get offended if you suggest bigger, after market headlights

You know exactly how much your Harley is going to take out of your checking account each month

Your Harley doesn't expect foreplay

Your Harley doesn't expect a snuggle after a ride

People envy your Harley more the older it gets

You can get your Harley hot and ready with 2 minutes of sitting on your butt

Your Harley doesn't mind waiting outside while you go into a strip club

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

"HARLEY TO ABANDON MAKING MOTORCYCLES"

"Due to a higher volume of sales of clothing, accessories, and other
Harley paraphernalia, coupled with tight financial times that put a further
squeeze on overpriced, under-performing machinery, Harley Davidson has partnered with Proptronics to produce a specialty motorcycle called "Styling' Iron." Proptronics is the company famous for making fake appliances that are used in model homes for purposes of show only.

In a brilliant management decision, Harley Davidson decided to face the fact that the only reason
most people buy their equipment is indeed as a fashion accessory. By building a prop motorcycle, costs can be dramatically cut.

The new Styling' Iron will have the look and feel of a real Harley
motorcycle and even comes equipped with a recorded potato-potato synthesizer, smoky
air pump to simulate exhaust, and even an adjustable rate oil leak. The bike
is priced at under $1,200 and is available immediately. Sales are expected to
soar as the new model will allow Harley enthusiasts to spend more money on leather, hats, sunglasses and jewellery due to no longer having to be concerned about keeping the machinery in actual running and riding condition. The expected surge in accessory sales has prompted the Milwaukee company to begin talks with the American clothing designer Dickies to help supply genuine Harley Davidson clothing and retailer K-Mart to feature the new Styling' Irons in their sporting goods department.

A spokesman for Harley Davidson commented "We expect Styling' Iron to be a huge success and relieve the company of having to deal with complaints from the minority of customers who understand motorcycling, and can turn full time attention to the fashion conscious customers who buy our products and expect them to function equally as well as the rest of the Harley Davidson line of motorcycles, in a fashion sense. Some of our engineers who have tested the new machine claim it actually performs just as well on the road, given a suitable downhill grade and tailwind."

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realized that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered ! and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ahh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

First, there's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

Second, it chatters constantly at high speeds.

Third, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

Fourth, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm," said God mulling over Arthur's comments. "You may have some good points there. Hold on a moment." At that God walked over to his to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

In a matter of moments the computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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