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 more old jokes...............

Patient Information

A elderly woman calls Mount Sinai Hospital and says, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

"Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

"Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen tells me shit!"

good tea towel	bad tea towel

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy  says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster  if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other  guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and  asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

 The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

 The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf.

 

Naked Bikers

A young student moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...........That was me!!!!!"

Two boys are playing kick-to-kick in a park on the Eastern Suburbs when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy grabbed a branch and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Rooster Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not an Rooster fan," the little hero replied. "

Sorry, since we are on the Eastern Suburbs, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Young Rabbits Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack, ..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Rabbits fan either!", the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in the Eastern Suburbs was either for the Rooster or the Rabbits."

"So what team DO you barrack for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Canterbury fan!", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Pr*ck from Belmore Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Subject: Company Picnic

To: All Employees:

Re: Company Picnic:

 We are glad we had the great turnout for our first and last annual Company Picnic. While everyone seemed to enjoy themselves our group did not exactly portray the public image we wish to convey.

 Additionally, we are now seeking candidates for the position of  "Executive Secretary."

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." 

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

 This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council , they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." 

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and high Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, manic-depressives & Anal-retentives." Still not good. 

How about, "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable .

So they tried, "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. 

Nor did: "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", "Loons and Moons either work. 

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

The Voodoo Penis

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" 

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." 

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history...

cheerleaders 1	cheerleaders 2

Click on the paw, roll your mouse over the pic, but remember to come back!

A camel and an elephant meet. The elephant asked the camel: "Why do u have your breasts on your back?"

The camel, clearly irritated, replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

Food has  replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in  bed with a relative. 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with  "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore  'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 

Sign  in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I have my  own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

I got a sweater  for Christmas...  I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If  flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I  don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours  and shithead's. 

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it  deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the  rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at  the bowling alley. 

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore  I am perfect. 

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 

Everyday I beat my own previous  record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If  carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on  the highway? 

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see  naked? 

Every time I  walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:  "Don't pick that up,  you don't know where it's been!" 

Two cowboys from the Northern Territory walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.

The woman signals No, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn blue, shakes her head again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies
out of her mouth, and she beings to breath again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Click on the paw, roll your mouse over the pic, but remember to come back!

Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Kentucky. One says: "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"

Then the other guy says, "Aah that ain't nothin, my wife's dumber than that! She went shoppin yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed, as nobody around there had plumbing!

 The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got NO PENIS !"

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed.  "I almost got caught yesterday."

Good Things To Say When You're Stressed

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. It IS as BAD as you think, and they are out to get you.

4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine.

6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a people person!! 

8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

9. YOU!!.... off my planet!!!

10. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You  choose!

11. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be......?

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

15. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 

16. Don't worry. I forgot your name too. 

17. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong. 

18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 

19. Wait....I'm trying to imagine you with a personality! 

20. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.

21. Ambivalent? Well yes and no.

22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

23. Earth is full. Go home.

24. Awww. did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

26. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

27. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!

29. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

30. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship

31. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

32. God must love stupid people, he made so many.

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." 

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for year and he's very excited!". 

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It  seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency,  in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
 
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same type string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
 
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
 
"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Women

 Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

 A: No, 35 children is enough.


 Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

 A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


 Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

 A: Childbirth.


 Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

 A: So what's your question?


 Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?

 A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


 Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

 A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


 Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?

 A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.


 Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

 A: Yes, pregnancy.


 Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

 A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


 Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

 A: When the kids are in college.

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favourite position is the "rodeo".

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all  fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean  forward and whisper in her ear:

"Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not.

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of
the hormone estrogens, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes.
The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in
the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream,
producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater
quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth
and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood
vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.

After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. In his last day he went to same routine as he did for 25 years.

When he arrived the first house people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement.

When he arrived the second house people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement.

When he arrived the third house a blonde lady opened the door and invited him in.

They went to upstairs and had sex for two hours. Then she cooked him breakfast and handed him a dollar.

The postman was surprised , he asked: I had the greatest sex which I hadn't for years, breakfast was nice but what's up with the dollar?

The blonde lady answered: Last night I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, what should we do?

Well my husband said: 'Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar'

'And' she added 'the breakfast was my idea!'

A Wog man is drinking in a local bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar. He stands up & announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the people just shrug their shoulders, "The man says that's about average back home, like I said, my boy is a typical baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, many exclamations of

"WOW" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, Hey, you're the father of that typical baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were going to call you, "so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "19 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened"? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The proud father takes a slow sip of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says,

"I HAD HIM CIRCUMCISED."

SECRETS FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It is important to find a man that is sensitive and warm.

2. It is important to find a man that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a man that knows how to make love.

4. It is important to find a man who is strong and protective.

5. It is important to find a man who is fun and charming.

6. It is important that these five men never meet.

Weird Things and useless information

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the  world's  nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or  older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ...  but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that  would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with  “MONTH”

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.  - SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their  eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard

“GO” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be  39-23-33.  She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE,.... AREN'T?

10. I need to whip it out by 5

 9. Mind if I use your laptop?

 8. Just stick it in my box.

 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

 5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

 3. It's an entry level position.

 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:

 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a  word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them  wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked  sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." 

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

 HUSBAND: Definitely not!

 WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

 HUSBAND: Of course I do.

 WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

 HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

 WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

 HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

 WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

 HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

 WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

 HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

 WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

 HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

 WIFE: - - - silence - - -

 HUSBAND: Shit.

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry", gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.

Spoilt

A guy with a black eye boards a plane  bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices  immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He  says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes... mind if I ask how you got yours?" 

The other guy says, "Well,  it just happened. It was a tongue Twister accident, See I was at  the ticket counter and this gorgeous Blonde with the most  massive breasts in the world was there.  So, instead of saying,'  I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like  two pickets to Tittsburgh.' so she socked me one.

" The first guy  replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a Tongue twister  accident too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to  my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Rice Krispies, honey.' But I  accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centred, manipulative,  bitch."

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." 

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

 "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may

I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Before marriage	After marriage

John O'Reilly was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Reilly won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Reilly arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Reilly was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Reilly. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Reilly, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Reilly, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears.

Trans-Tasman Relations

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the wild east coast near Gisborne on an impromptu sightseeing trip.  His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a green and gold football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black football tops roared into view from around the point. 

Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aussie from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

 It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said: "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others: "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*#k all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

EVIDENCE YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001:
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.

5. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a new screen saver.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

7. You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 or 40 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

9. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.

10. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

11. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

12. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

13. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

14. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

15. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

16. You're thinking how true all of this is.

17. Even worse, you're probably going to forward it to someone else.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
'Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?' he cried.
'I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!'
'Well,' she said, 'when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.'

Women Through the Ages

 What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48???

  8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
 28 - You don't need to tell her any story, to take her to bed
 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

Beware of Doctors

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician....0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner....0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.  He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum!
Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.
The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
 "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
 "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music!"

From Col. D.G. Swinford, USMC, Ret., history buff.

The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese (China,1937),
The first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), The highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. .. . So much for allies.

The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)
At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika."
All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.
Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of  tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).
German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.
German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.
 Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy...


10. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex.
 9. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
 8. We don't keep firearms in this house.
 7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
 6. No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.
 5. We're vegetarians!
 4. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
 3. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
 2. You All.
 1. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darling.

GRANDPAS WISDOM

 My long passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend the weekends with him. Oh, and the advice he used to give! Too bad much of it was wasted because I was relatively young when he died. If he were alive today and passing down his gems of wisdom you could bet I'd be a better man.
Some pearls he'd given me I've never forgotten. I would accompany him on his daily walk, and he would point out various things worth noticing. "That tree there is a Japanese elm. They grow fast." or "During the great depression I fed every wayfarer that crossed our doorstep." Those things were well and good, but the thing I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice came as we were weeding his garden. We were working around the hot peppers when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
 "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your Dick look smaller

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," * Lewis Grizzard

A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour.
As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.
"You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he asked.
"Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge; "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there?
 I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you look after me."
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation.
The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and.....he's screwing me. "
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied:
"He sure is, this is the Manly Ferry"

One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.  Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
 The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.  Where are you from, son?"
 "New Zealand, sir," the  boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players over there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"

A man asked his  wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

"I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her  up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!  He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,  the Wall of Fear-everything there was! wow!
Five hours later she  staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her, along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was  off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi  Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is, if a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong anyway.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of  her index finger shot off.
 "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

 "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

 "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

  "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I  thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not  shooting myself in the chest."

 "So then?" asked the doctor.

 "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

 "So then?"
 "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: this is going to make a  loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and holding, a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out! " To that, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a 44 magnum, and pointed it at the wolf and said, "no, you're going to eat me like it says in the book"

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex.  Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated. Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto passed Pinocchio on the street, bouncing happily. "How's the girlfriend," he asked. Pinocchio replied, "who needs a girl friend?"

Martha's Way Vs My Way

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

~*~

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baister to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

~*~

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

~*~

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

~*~

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

~*~

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

~*~

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

~*~

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

~*~

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.

~*~

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

~*~

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

~*~

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

~*~

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

~*~

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

~*~

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

~*~

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

~*~

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

~*~

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

~*~

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

*Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

*Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

*Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.'
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yellling, "Ohhhh" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes),

and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

* 0.5 Miss Worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.

And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back,

still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with

since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received

837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sexlife.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS: Even when you have no girlfriend, you can use your vacuum cleaner.
PPS: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
---o---
(Must dash, the post has just arrived.)

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"* "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear God! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.* He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor.  After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor.  "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
 "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

A woman is in the welfare office filling out some forms. The welfare officer asks her how many kids she has. "Ten boys" she answers "And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy"
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"  She says, "That way, when I want them to come in from the yard I just yell LEROY and when I want them to come to dinner I just yell LEROY!"  "Well" asks the officer, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"  "Then I call him by his last name." she answered.

A handsome, engaging young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand.
The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen. "You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanour of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?"
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you, young man.
"Then I bid you farewell. My name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agent's office, never to return.
Five years later, the Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail.
Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter.  He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for $50,000. He read the letter:
Dear Sir:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor.
You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations, and left your office.
However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavoured to change my name.
Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to million worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name.
I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea that has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke

GOOD IDEA:

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank.  If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure you send it back empty if you want to just to keep 'em guessing! Let's turn this into a chain letter!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail.   Let's  let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all... THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again! Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty.

So this guy sends his pretty wife to the local pharmacists to get a new supply of Viagra. She decides to go to a different drug store....since it is close to the mall....so she asks the pharmacist if they sell Viagra?......he says "yes"......and she says..."does it work"?....he says "yes"...and she says..."can you get it over the counter"......? He says.."yes...if I take two".....

The Frog

This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here."
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth, at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me."

There were 11 people hanging from a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. they all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and all would die. No one could decide who should go, finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying, she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and their children, and giving in to men. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping

NEVER underestimate the power of a woman

Carlos calls his boss one morning:

 "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got  headache, stomach ache  my legs hurt I not come work."
 The boss says:
"You know Carlos, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my  wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls back:
"Boss, I did what you say and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got nice house."

contributed by Shelly

 A woman asks her husband if he'd like some  breakfast. "Would  you like bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.
 He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
 At lunchtime she asks if he would like something.  'A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese  sandwich?"  she inquires.
 He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite,"
 Come dinnertime she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would  he like  maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza in the microwave or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of  minutes?
 He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's  really taken the edge off my appetite."
 "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of  tomorrows final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it.  No other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison

 Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
 The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did  you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

 The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
 Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.  Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knock unconscious.  Den da plane start driftin.
 Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.  Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky.  He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day!
Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210.  Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry a bout nuttin.  We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee!  Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"
Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"
Pierre, he start to panic by dis time.  He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!" ................
A long pause ----- de silence was deafanin.  "We needs to know whoo you next of kin.."

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

* There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
* English muffins weren't invented in England, and French fries aren't French.
* Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are  meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea  pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
 * And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
 * If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth  beeth?
 * One goose, 2 geese; so, one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
 * Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
* If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of  them, what do you call it?
* If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
* If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

 * In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
 * How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man  and a wise guy are opposites?
 * You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your  house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by  filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all ..

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class  by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a
doctor:
The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

This guy owns a horse and a stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth", the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth." Nith mouf, can I see her eyeths?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.
"OK , what about the eerths?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK finally , can I see her twat?"
With that , the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, and pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says "Perhaps I should rephrathe that.
Can I see her Wun Awound???

Although this is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions, women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men, and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.  As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.  You decide to:

 A.    Present it to the President of the United States.
 B.    Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
 C.    Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A.    Innocence.
B.    Idealism.
C.    Cherry  bombs.

 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A.    When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B.    When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C.    When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for family business  reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A.    A cat.
B.    A dog.
C.    A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
      A.    That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but  you don't want to rush it.
      B.    That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot  honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting  commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
      C.    That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
      A.    You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
      B.    You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her  name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
      C.    Tell her what?

 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

      A.    "Do they need to eat or anything?"
      B.    "They're in school already?"
      C.    "There are three of them?"

 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

      A.    When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new  holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended  for your legs.
      B.    When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
      C.    It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.  A real guy  checks the garbage regularly in case somebody has, and we are not naming  names, but this would be his wife.

 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led  the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

      A.    He was being tested.
      B.    He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when  finally got there.
      C.    He refused to ask for directions.

 10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

      A.    Democracy.
      B.    Religion.
      C.    Remote control.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.

Just Plain Stupid People!
 A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

 A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
 According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others
fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

 The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

 A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police.
 They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

 A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of year 12 girls were beginning use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.   "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.   "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."   She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.   "Okay," he says,  "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ...
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

A Tough Golf Game

 A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game.
As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "

A guy dies and goes to Hell, when he gets down there its nothing at all like he thought it would be its just like the beach clear blue sky about 85 degrees sandy beach and waves as far as the eye can see.
As the guy starts walking along the beach he comes upon an old dude he knows who died a few years back the old dudes laying on the beach with this super hot little hard body blonde all wrapped around him and a large cooler chest of beer at his feet.
The young guy asks in amazement, "This is Hell?"
"Yeah" the old dude responds, 'wanna beer?"
"Sure." the young guy says as he grabs one from the cooler turning the can of beer over several times. He cries "Hey. there's no hole in this beer!"
"Yeah", the old dude says pitifully, "there's no hole in this blonde either.
 THIS IS HELL!!!"

Kiwi rugby fan Rangi, and other rugby fanatics from New Zealand's West Coast, had travelled to England to watch the All Blacks play in the World Cup.
Rangi felt particularly uneasy during the long flight to the UK and not even 2 dozen cans of Steinlager could put him right. Soon after his Air New Zealand 747 landed at Heathrow, he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good eh?" said Rangi.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Rangi that he had a severe case of altitude sickness, and that the only cure was 'testicular removal'.
No way doc" replied Rangi "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!"
The second English doctor gave Rangi the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Rangi refused the treatment. Rangi was devastated, with only hours to go before the All  Blacks opening game he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Rangi, you hev eltitude suckniss eh".
"What's the cure thin doc" asked Rangi hoping for a different answer.
Will Rangi", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna hev to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thenk god for thet!" said Rangi, "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test-tickets off me!"

 Horse Blessing

Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.  One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the  forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th   race.  Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.
 Mitchell was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the  5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead  of one of  the horses.
 Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had  blessed won the race.  Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously  waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the  6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won!   Mitch was elated.  As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.  Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.  He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny  he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which  horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.  Mitch placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.  Mitchell was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded,  "What happened, Father?  All day you blessed horses and they won.  The last race, you bless a horse and he loses.  Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants.. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

A man walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.

 The kid is spinning a 20 cent coin in the air and catching it between his teeth.

 As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

 He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

 A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a grey suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

 At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter.

 He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.

 Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly.

 After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 20 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.

 Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

 As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying:

 "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic -Are you a doctor?"

 "Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Australian Taxation Office."

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what yo said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
 "Well, what was it?" she asked.
 He responded, "As I remember, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

The top ten times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate.....

10.  "What the fuck  was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima -August 1945
9.   "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" Custer 1877
8.   "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Einstein 1938
7.   "It does SO fucking look like her!" Picasso 1926
6.   "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras 126 BC
5.   "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo 1566
4.   "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." Joan of Arc 1434
3.   "Scattered fucking showers...my ass!" Noah 314 BC
2.   "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" JFK 1963
1.   "Aw c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?" Bill Clinton 1997

THE 2000 DARWIN AWARDS

Eighth Runner Up, (August 2000, Xerox) 

A 28 year old Korean employed by the Xerox Corporation decided it would be hilarious if he digitally scanned his penis and distributed to the entire corporation. The small Korean had just finished up festivities at the local bar and was quite intoxicated. Xerox had recently ordered 23 shredding devices in an attempt to reduce/recycle the amount of paper that they use.
The unsuspecting Korean pulled down his trousers, and drunkenly hoisted himself onto what he thought was a copier. Thinking he was pressing the scan button on a copier, he hit the shred button.  He was found with his scrotum stuck between blades the next morning, and had died from the loss of blood.

 Seventh Runner Up, (15 July 1999, Alabama)

A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the guard-rail which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.  The Military Specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

 Sixth Runner Up, (11 August 1999 Germany)
A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially secluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

 Tie for Fifth Runner up Award (25 May 1999, Ukraine)
A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the River Tereblya. The 43 year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. ...In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a morning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

Tie for Fifth Runner up Award (16 August 1999, Germany)
A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car.
The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

Fourth Runner up Award (1999, Nicosia, Cyprus)
 Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot dead near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

Third Runner up Award goes to (August 1999, Australia)
Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236 (winners never quit!), which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic haematologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped.  The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US for not intervening.  ..He didn't require any further embalming.

Second Runner up Award goes to, (28 January 1999, London)
A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death.
Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in north-eastern England.  "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner up Award goes to, (5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two co-ordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.  Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time."
Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings Time. The confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

And the 2000 Darwin Award winner is..... (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)
Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded ammunitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his  backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian Roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar.
"There were no remains" Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

Vasectomies

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.  A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate  the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her mouth and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between Private Health Insurance and Medicare."

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.  I guess I should see a doctor."
 His friend said, "don't do that.  There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.  And it only costs $10.00."
Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $10.00.  The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.  He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.  The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
       a. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
       b. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal    shampoo.
       c. Your daughter is using cocaine.  Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
       d. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours.  Get a lawyer.
       e. And... if you don't stop leaning on bars your elbow will never get better.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events are put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store. 

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. 

(4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

 And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

NEW MATH
 Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine".
 In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?"
Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom".
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
He replied, "Yes"
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher.
The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Leroy's mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all!  What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

Art exhibit

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist  walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says: "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis."
The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

Good bumper sticker ideas, Some old.....some new.

1)  The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
2)  I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3)  I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4)  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5)  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7)  WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8)  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9)  BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10)  I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11)  So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
12)  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13)  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14)  To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15)  I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16)  My kid had sex with your honour student.
17)  Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18)  I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19)  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
20)  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22)  I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23)  God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24)  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25)  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26)  It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27)  I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28)  It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29)  Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30)  I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31)  Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32)  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33)  Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34)  Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35)  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36)  CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
37)  Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
38)  I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
39)  I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want?
40)  Remember My Name ~ You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41)  Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
42)  If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.                                   

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout  looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually  asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at  $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job!,   No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see  that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block  further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third  Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own  those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth  $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a  try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting  on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a  lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a  blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? My God! No  blow-job could be worth that! A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a  blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you  see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.
And I  own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The  guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off  the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes  later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely  believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip  into the retirement savings for one last glorious and unforgettable  experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker  says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you  see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those  beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says,  in awe, "You own the whole damn city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would  if I had a pussy."

ancient Chinese proverbs

 YES INDEEDY......                       


 01) Virginity like bubble, one prick-all gone.
 02) Man who run in front of car get tired.
 03) Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
 04) Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
 05) Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
 06) Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
 07) Man with one chopstick go hungry.
 08) Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
 09) Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
 10) War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
 11) Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
 12) Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
 13) It take many nails to build a crib, only one screw to fill it.
 14) Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
 15) Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
 16) Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
 17) Man who fish on other man's well often catch crabs.
 18) Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

HE SAID.....SHE SAID

He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?

 He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'
She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too'

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen'

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex.
She said...Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge
bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured
him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed
and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there,
pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."


Mother Superior

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
 "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
 "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment...............
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?

Subject: Red Neck ???           


 Top 20 Ways to Tell if a Redneck...
 
 is Working at a Computer in your Office
 
 1.The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
 2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
 3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
 4.There is a gun rack mounted on the case.
 5.The password is, "bubba."
 6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
 8.Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
 9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
 10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
 11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
 12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
 13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
 14.The monitor is up on blocks.
 15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
 16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
 17.The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
 18.The six front keys have rotted out.
 19.John Deer Pocket Protectors.
 
 If you figured out there are only "19" instead of "20", then you're
 probably not a red-neck. ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

 Subject: Successful Son

 Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" the priest asked.
"He sends me $2,000 a week," she replied proudly.
"Your son is very successful, said the priest.  "What does he do for a living?
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession," the priest assured her.
"Where does he practice?"
"Well," she replied, "he has one cat house in Sydney and another in Melbourne."

 

A piece of grey Tarmac and a piece of black Tarmac are sitting in a bar having a beer. The grey Tarmac makes a spurious claim: "I bet I'm harder then you."
"How?" said the black Tarmac. "I'm black Tarmac - they use me to make the hard shoulder on the motorway. I must be harder than you."
"Ah!" said the grey Tarmac. "But they use me to make the main carriageway of the motorway. I have 38 tonne trucks driving over me all day. I am considerably harder than you."
Reluctantly, the black Tarmac accepted defeat and they returned to their beers.
Then a piece of red Tarmac sauntered into the bar, at which point the self-proven hard grey Tarmac jumped over the bar and hid behind it.
The red Tarmac ordered a beer, drank it and walked out without noticing the black Tarmac sitting at the other end of the bar. As the grey Tarmac ventured from hiding, the black Tarmac asked, "What the f*ck was that all about? You claim to be so hard, but as soon as that red Tarmac character walked in you hid behind the bar!"
"Yeah," replied the grey Tarmac, "but you gotta watch that red Tarmac - he's a cycle path"

It was a miserable hot day in Louisiana, and these two black ladies were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says  to the other, "Eloise,  honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we  take off our panties so's we be cool? Eloise says, "Oh I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed." So they walk on a bit further and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise, honey, just can't stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our panties so's we be cool." And Eloise says, "Mary Jane, I juss can't, I'd be too embarrassed." So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a slice of watermelon. "Look at dat.
 I'll bet she be cool." And Mary Jane says, "Less go axe her." "Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc'h of  dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, panties off and eating dat watermelon........tell us......is you cool"? And the woman says. "Honey child........I don't no nuffin a 'bout being cool, but it sho do keep the flies off my watermelon."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!!".

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .
 

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'N' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

 I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this  computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

A guy walks into a bar and says, "B-b-b-beer, p-p-p-please."
The bartender gives him a beer and says rather quietly, "You know, I also had a stuttering problem until my wife started giving me oral sex daily. I'm totally cured.  Why don't you give it a shot?"
The guy tells the bartender "Th-th-th-thanks-s-s-s," finishes his beer and heads out the door.
Next day, the same guy walks back in and the bartender says, "Did you give it a try?"  He nods his head yes.  "So are you cured?"
He replied, " N-n-n-no, but you've got a n-n-nice h-h-h-house    

SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."

The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here."

 The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"                                                

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again                               

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

 "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
 "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
 "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
 Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
 "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
 "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
 "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
 Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
 "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
 Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"
 Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface- to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
 "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
 Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
 "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
 "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
     Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
     Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
     Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
     Officer: The car is stolen?
     Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
     Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
     Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
     Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
     Driver: Yes, sir.
     Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
     Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
     Driver: Sure. Here it is.
     It was valid.
     Captain: Who's car is this?
     Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
     The driver owned the car.
     Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
     Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
     Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
     Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
     Driver: No problem.
     Trunk is opened; no body.
     Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
     Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!           

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

• Pass My Shotgun 

• Psychotic Mood Shift

• Perpetual Munching Spree

• Puffy Mid-Section

• People Make Me Sick

• Provide Me with Sweets

• Pardon My Sobbing

• Pimples May Surface

• Pass My Sweatpants

• Pissy Mood Syndrome
  Plainly; Men Suck

• Pack My Stuff

• Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

•  

• 1. Never raise your hands to Kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  2. I'm not working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 

• 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape 

• 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets 

• 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 

• 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 

• 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window? 

• 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 

• 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 

• 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands they're picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 

• 11. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

• 12. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they will tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful but only have photographs of her on the wall. 

• 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? I said, " I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.  "Oh no," her grandmother replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
 Hi honey, are you at the club?"
 Yes, Dear"                            
 Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of  Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, Dear?"
 They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
But you already have fur coats?"
"Please Dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
Honey, come on, we already have enough cars!"
You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
 How much is it?"
You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $185,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
Ok, OK, go ahead and purchase it!" I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope  I'm not pushing it, but remember our Trip we took to Paris? Remember the Cohen's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold.  I saw it this morning at the  Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay at during the cold winter months!!!"
I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it?
You know it's not listed very high and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
How much is it listed at?"
Only $425,000.00 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $215,000.00"
This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
See you tonight dear"
The man hangs up the cellular phone, looks around and asks: "Anybody know who's phone this is?"

A Canterbury Bankstown recruiting scout returns from Kosovo raving about a new teenage superstar that he's seen in the war-torn country.
The Bulldogs are so convinced by the scout and so desperate for no-one else to snatch him up that they sign the boy right away.
The boy comes to Australia and arrives in Sydney for Saturday's game and is on the bench.
With 10 minutes to go, one of the bulldogs, Rod Silva gets injured and is stretchered from the ground.
Steve Folkes points to the new boy and says,"This is your big chance, son. Go out and do the business for us."
The lad takes off his tracksuit and takes to the field. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring 3 tries. The Bulldogs get up and win the game and the crowd goes wild.
After the game Steve Folkes gives the new boy a big hug in the changing rooms.
"Great performance, son. Go and give your parents a ring at home, they'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office."
The lad goes into the coach's office and rings his Mum.
"Mum, I've just had the best day in my life on debut. I scored 3tries!!...You don't sound very happy though... why are you crying? Is everything OK?"
"No, son. Today has been the worst in my life....Your Dad has been shot, they've raped your sister and the house has been burned to the ground."
"Oh no, Mum, that's terrible. I'm really sorry."
"Sorry! Sorry, so you should be! You're the reason we moved to Bankstown in the first place!"

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.  "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in  Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers,  "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"   "Dopey shagged a penguin!"................

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year staff at Macquarie University in Sydney puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of the New Year's
incoming students.
Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting university next year across the nation were probably born in 1982. They have no recollection of the Whitlam era and  probably did not know he had ever been sacked.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart  and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. They are  too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record  means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man. They may have never heard of an 8-track. The Compact Disc was introduced  when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 45  cents.
They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with  only 4 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had  cable. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that  Walkmans were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. Brian Henderson has always read the Channel Nine news. They have no idea when or why flares were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Ian or Greg Chappell play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Boer War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America and  Alabama are places, not groups. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old  fogies.

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
 The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size.  I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
 The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time."
 The mother says, "Why is that, dear?"
 The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"  Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
 The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
 She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.  Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
 Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.  The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.
 This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
 "So Ma, how is it here?  Are they treating you all right?"
 "It's pretty nice," she replied.  "Except they won't let me fart

Live and Learn

 A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
 The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
 The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
 While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
 "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
 "No what?" replied the guy.
 "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A woman who doesn't like to shave her armpits walks into a bar. It is a hot day, and she is wearing a tank top.  She walks up to the bar, waves her hand high in the air while yelling, "Yoo-hoo, someone buy me a beer."
 This old man with thick, thick glasses sitting at the end of the bar says, "Bartender, send that ballerina beer."  The bartender obliges.
 A while later, the woman waves her hand high in the air, again shouting, "Yoo-hoo, someone buy me a beer."  Again, the thick glassed old man says, "Bartender, send that ballerina a beer."
 The bartender again obliges, but this time returns to the end of the bar where the old man is seated.
 "Look, mister, I don't care who you buy drinks for in my bar.  I just want to know, why do you keep calling that woman a ballerina?"
The old man replies, "Any woman who can kick her leg that high in the air has got to be a ballerina."

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all 
and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. 
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" 
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy." 
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." 
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." 
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." 
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me." 
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the pope did so and so. 
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and 
says, "Come in and shut the door." 
The guy says, "What's up?" 
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." 
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." 
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts." 
The guy says, "He did??" 
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." 
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?" 
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch." 

A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS. She  looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit yourself when you hear what the price is."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?,"
questioned the lawyer.
 Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..."
 "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he favourite has to say about his mule Bessie. "Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
 However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.   How are you feeling?"
It was then that I said, "I'm fine."

The owner of an insurance agency was confused about paying a claim....so  he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 He asked, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,  how much would you take off?"
 The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Women Training Courses
And for those men who are sick of the man-bashing jokes, it's her turn now: Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

Introduction to Parking Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

TV Remotes: For Men Only

A Woman's Touch
 
  The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
  the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

  The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
  the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

 The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
 the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

 The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
 the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

 The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
 the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

 The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
 the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

 The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
 the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

 The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
  the woman discovered MONEY and that screwed everything up

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
 After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.  "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."  Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."  "What does that tell you?"
 Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  Why, what does it tell YOU?"
 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you idiot.  Some jerk has stolen our tent."

Men's Secret Business

This story below has no point, other than to raise an agreeable nod and a wry smile from the blokes, and hopefully teach any females on this list a thing or two about etiquette.
 Griff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone.
We didn't know why we were at the barbecue, we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet. Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Griff said yeah they really need a turn -it was a unanimous turning decision. Griff was the Tong- master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went yeah.
Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song- sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn ...come. He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Griff gave me the nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers -fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental.
 The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into the molten hot- bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Griff snapped his tongs with approval, there was no greater barbecue honour.
 P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer.
 Five men, lots of sausages. Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed lots of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head, he said I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them. There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop; this new- comer was a rabble-rouser, bringing
in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger -and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.
 Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space. . . . the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she couldn't take it anymore, she gave up, backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer; yeah. Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment -the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip- was I ready for the responsibility? Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun.
 Don't forget to turn the thin ones Griff said as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah I called back, I will, I will. I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG- MASTER.
 Until Griff got back from the toilet. .

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
 They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in the house."
"Don't worry," said Jack, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be out of here at first light."
 The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
 About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
 It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined was from the attorney of the attractive widow he met on the skiing weekend with Bob.
 He dropped in on his friend, Bob, and asked, "Do you remember that good looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our skiing weekend up north?"
 "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
 "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy,  I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
 AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU????

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewellery Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. "Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Think You Know Everything?

 1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
 2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
 3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
 4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
 5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
 6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
 7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
 8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
 9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
 25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
 26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
 27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
 28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
 29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
 30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
 31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
 32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
 33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
 34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
 35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

 NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, * "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, and replies "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Bessie replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. ....... Shoulda bought a hat."

Here's Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .  But there could be some handy one liners in there...

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
 A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
 They  named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
 A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? 
 They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Native Americans/Canadians on Star Trek?
 Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
What do you call an Kiwi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
 Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the  Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
 A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch.  One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.  Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes.  You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
 The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
 Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
 It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
 The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off through the forest.

Contributed by Rowdy

WASHING DISHES
 A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
 His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore"
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner.  As he was leaving the house, grandfather's hound who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
 "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

Health Hint for the Week:
As a scientific medical test, 4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worn was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
First worm dead.
 Second worm dead.
 Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.
Results of test concluded:
 As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.

Hooker Housewife
Harry and his wife are having hard financial > times, so they decide she'll  become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,  "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.  If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."  She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"  She says, "A hundred dollars."  He says "All I've got is thirty." She says, "Holdon."  She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"  Harry says, "A handjob." > She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.  He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his  pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

THE BUTLER DID IT

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be  home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.  She called for him to follow her.
 She led him to the master bedroom.  She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton.
Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.
 Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

He said... Want a quickie?

She said...As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'

She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too'

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

Contributed by fungus

     Imagine how they answer the phone!!!!!

Contributed by Shelly

Beer Tech Trouble-Shooting...

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch his lights out.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

At the 2000 World Women's Conference the first speaker from  England stood up:
 "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
 The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
 The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

They have finally released the   ingredients in "VIAGRA":

 2% Aspirin
 2% Ibuprofen
 1% Vitamin E
 95% Fix-A- Flat

MECHANIC'S ORDERS

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

THE INTELLECTS

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."


During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A
month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
"The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Buttercup account!"

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight and stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
 He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up  and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" she replied.

Contributed by fungus

THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

IN PRISON    you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK    you spend most of your time in an 6x8 cubicle.

 IN PRISON    you get three meals a day.
 AT WORK     you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON    you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK     you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON    a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK     you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

 IN PRISON    you can watch TV and play games.
 AT WORK     you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 IN PRISON    you get your own toilet.
 AT WORK     you have to share.

 IN PRISON    they allow your family and friends to visit.
 AT WORK     you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

 IN PRISON    all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
 AT WORK     you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

 IN PRISON    you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
 AT WORK     you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

 IN PRISON    there are wardens who are often sadistic
 AT WORK    they are called managers.

Contributed by Rowdy

 I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I like big cars, big tits, and big cigars.  I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some  midlevel  governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.  I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, dammit. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or  Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.  I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.  I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.  I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.  I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in  English.  I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think Oprah is a big fat pig.  I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.  I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put  your pansy ass through 4-7 years of senior high school, you haven't begun to be enlightened.  I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or  fat-free on the package.  I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. Hillary Clinton is a  carpet-munching lesbian. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever cancelled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.  I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,  when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or  been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f ** k-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jessie Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what colour you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years. I worry about dying before I get even. I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I enjoy watching high speed pursuits, the more damage the better. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Why did God create woman?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

 The swallow

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?

What is the definition of "making love"?

Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

 Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

 None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?

One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why does the bride always wear white? 

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.....

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

 Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

 A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?

 Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?

 Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end  you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blow job.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years the job still sucks.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why did the woman cross the road?

What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet

A couple are vacationing in Goodooga. As they sit at a pub in the small village, a big guy sitting next to them mutters gloomily to himself. Finally he turns to them and growls, pointing out the window:
 "You see that house down the road there?" They nod. "I built it myself! Every board and nail. Now don't ya think folks around here should call me Harry the House-builder?"
They shrug and say, "I suppose so."
 "In fact," he continues, "I would say I've built half the houses around here, single-handedly! Shouldn't they be callin' me Harry the House-builder? Shouldn't they?"  They answer "Yeah, guess they should."
 He glares into his beer and grumbles "Yes, that they should.
 BUT... ya go an' fuck just ONE sheep..."

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear!  Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"  John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $200."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $200 they went to the bedroom, had sex for about two hours, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Shocked, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $200?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she says, "Yes, he did give me $200."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed the $200 from me and said he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
It's good to have a friend you can trust."

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get
married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
  The mother agrees.  The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Contributed by Fungus

 15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS .

 1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in a diaper
 2. What do you do if your husband walkout? ... You shut the door.
 3. If they put a man on the moon ... they should be able to put them all up there.
 4. Never let your man's mind wander -  it's too little to be out alone.
 5. Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway.
 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
 8. Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter. 

"What's it to be ?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th th three pi pi pi ......." says the Englishman. Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui guin.........." Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th th th th........"
 "Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet. 

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.............", stutters the Englishman.
 "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. And then Scotty starts, "Th th th th th th th th th th ......". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!" 

Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?" "M M Man Man Manch Manch..." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the
 Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?" "E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb..."
 "Sorry, you lose." says she, holding back the giggles. 

"What about you Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Damn!" says the landlady.  A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
 Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing her voluptuous bosom.  Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right on the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out  "......... D D D D De... Derry!!" 

A guy goes to see the doctor because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do
 medically, but sends him to see a Witch that he thinks  might be able to help.
 The Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest.
 He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!" The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.
 Hey this is great, he thinks- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
 Twitch-the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" The frog yells back, "Look -how many times do I have to tell you?" No! No! No!"

contributed by Fungus

Daddy calling home:
 "Hello" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob.
"Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
 "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"  "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
 "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
 "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."  "And what happened?"
 "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's just lying there.
Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."
 "Oh my God... And what about Uncle Frank?"
 "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving.
He may be dead too,"
 There is a very long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?...  Is this 854-7039?

Contributed by Rowdy

Now that I'm 'older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded........

All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings, it seemed that all of my aunts
and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

Contributed by fungus

balloon surprise	magic girdle	there she blows	male thought Vs female thought

Contributed by Rowdy

Dear Semi-Serious Investors: This is of the utmost urgency.  The following is "Big Bucks for Wet Dreamers ". This offer may never appear again this week.

 A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico.  

It is our purpose to start rather small with about one million cats.  Each cat averages about twelve kittens a year; skins can be sold for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black.  This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32 cents, making our gross revenue about $3 million a year.
 This really averages out to about $10,000 a day (including Sundays and holidays, of course). A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats each day, at a wage of $13.15 a day.  It will take 663 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day. 

Your $50,000 investment would be recovered in 6.1 days, which beats the stock market, don't ya know. Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.  Rats multiply four times faster than cats. 

We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm for the rats.  If we start with a million rats, we will have  four rats per cat per day.  The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat.  We will have happy rats. You can see by this that the business is a smart clean operation; self-supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins. Eventually, it is our hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a  year.  This would save the labour cost of skinning, our profits will increase four-fold. (four-fold is more than three-fold). Our scientific team is also working on bottling rat's milk. This opportunity is as solid as oat meal. Send your cash today, or charge to your Blockbuster card.
Wet Dreams, Inc.
1122 Cat-a-Way Ranch Way
 Hermosillo, Mexico                                                                                     Contributed by Fungus

    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin

Contributed by fungus

Rules to live by
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

The nymphomaniac said to her friend, "I've got an odd problem. Every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."  Her friend asks, "What are you taking for it?" 

 "Pepper," she replied, with a grin...

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday, She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper.  Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?". "About 32 " the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into MacDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies, "nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
 They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around.  After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in MacDonald's!!"

Contributed by Fungus

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of  matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he enquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
 Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation.

               Viagra Overdose!!!

June Daley-Watkins Tips for Red Necks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a truck to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

 DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A safari suit with a white belt and clean paisley shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the pig is in sight.
2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

 Wine her, Dine  her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe in her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her Jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

 Show up naked, Bring Food.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian bragged, "We were the first in space!"
The American retorted, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you fool. You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"                                                                                            

contributed by "Fungus"

 Contributed by Shell

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit.  The team's performance soars.
They win the county and state championships and are favoured to win the national competition easily.
 Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does the hair go?"

 She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second  thing I wanted to talk to you about."

Ways To Piss Off A Cop

	When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
	When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
	When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
	If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
	Touch him.
	When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you were rushing home because you realized you forgot your helmet.
	Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
	Refer to him by his first name.
	Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
	When he says no, cry.
	If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
	If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
	If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood.
	When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
	When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
	After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
	Bribe him with donuts.
	When he comes up your bike, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
	Trip and fall into him.
	Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
	Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
	Chew on the pen, nervously.
	Clean your ear with the pen.
	If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
	Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
	Act like you are retarded.
	When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
	Or mumble to yourself.
	When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about man?
	When he comes up to your bike, say I have a badge just like yours!
	Ask if he watches Cops.
	Giggle if he did.
	Talk to your hand.
	When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
	When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it.
	Try to sell him your bike.
	Ask if you can buy his car.
	If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
	If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
	Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
	Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
	If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
	If there is someone else on the bike with you, talk to each other in tongues.
	When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
	Turn your head and whistle.
	Ask if you can see his gun.
	When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
	Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colours!"
	Tell him you like men in uniform.
	Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
	While he is sitting in his car running your plates and license, whip it out and pee on one of his tires.
	Ask him if he feels like a BIG MAN just because he has a gun.
	Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it's funny that he didn't see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can't prove it's yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding.
	Keep staring at him until he asks you why you are doing it. Tell him that you once got drunk and humped a monkey and you are wondering if he is your son.
	If he makes you walk a straight line to prove your aren't drunk. Do it hopscotch style.
	Every time he asks you a question. Ask your imaginary friend for the answer.
	If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like "oh, baby", "OH YES, YES" and of course the old standard "a little to the left, baby".
	Make up a cute nickname for him and use it often. Something like "Tinkerbell" should work nicely.
	Every time he takes his eyes off of you, make loud fart noises.
	Accuse him of sleeping with your wife. When he denies it, tell him he should try her. After all, she's a lot better in the sack than HIS wife.
	Ask him if he became a cop because of the low I.Q. requirements.
	When he says "Please step off the bike" say, "I cant, you get on."
	Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen's Ball.
	Look at his head, then ask, "Who cuts your hair?"
	Ask him, "If you aren't allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???"
	When the cop says, "Your eyes are bloodshot have you been drinking?". Reply with "Your eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts?"
	When he asks for your license, say "You're not gonna check my saddlebags, are ya?"
	While he is walking back to run your info in his car look over your shoulder and crank your bike like you're gonna try to get away!
	When he asks for your license, say "I'll show you mine...If you show me yours!"
	If he asks if you still reside at P.O. Box 332?  Tell him yeh, its a little cramped in there but ya get by!
	Ask if he can smell his daughter on your breath.
	When he's checking your helmet & asks where your DOT is, pull out your pecker & show him that tattoo you thought you would try one of them drunken nights!
	When pulled over by the Highway Patrol. Ask if you can buy some tickets to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. They usually reply that Highway Patrolmen don't have balls.  Then shake your head & laugh.
	Have a flash light handy so that when he shines it in your face you can show him how that feels.
	Ask him if he has ever flown in a plane. If he says yes, then say "Well son of a bitch! Pigs CAN fly!!!"
	After he writes you the ticket, ask him for directions.

FA FACT OF THE WEEK

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

Contributed by 'Fungus'

TWO ETHICAL QUESTIONS:

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer

of this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes ; and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

 Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, smokes 15 cigars a day and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

 Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

 Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

 And by the way: Answer to the abortion question-If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.                                   

 contributed by Kate

but wait! there's even more!

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