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And Even More Old Jokes

The only thing the Tax Office has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in
the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 2003 your penis will be taxed according to its size.

To determine your category, please refer to guidelines below

10-12 inches                Luxury Tax               $30.00
8-10 inches                  Pole Tax                   $25.00
6-8 inches                  Privilege Tax            $15.00
4-6 inches                   Nuisance Tax            $3.00

Note:    Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund please do not ask for an extension.
Males exceeding 12 inches must file under capital gains

 

More Than a Cold

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of he plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently awipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
 

anti-theft device

Man’s Best Friend

Usually everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or such name.

I called mine “Sex”.

Well, a very embarrassing name.
One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in an alley at 4am in the morning. I said I am looking for Sex. My case comes up next Thursday.

One day before this all happened I went to the Town Hall to get a licence for Sex.
The Clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said he would like to have one, too! When I said, “But this is a dog,” he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 6 years old.” He replied, “You must have been a strong boy.”

When I decided to get married I told the Minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the ceremony.  I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his Church.
I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by a Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the Church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on our honeymoon. When we checked into the Motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a special room for Sex.
The clerk explained that every room in the Motel was for sex. Then I said, ”You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.”  The clerk replied, “Me too.”

Well, now I’ve been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more damn trouble with the dog than I had ever bargained for.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble.” I replied, “Well, Sex has died and left my life.”
“It’s like loosing my best friend and it’s so lonely.”

The Doctor looked at me and said, “Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend…. so get yourself a bloody DOG!”

 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits  and  exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A   little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do  you  think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or  drink  beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he  asked, "Do you  eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said, "No,  I've heard that all  "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot  of time in the sun, like  playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said.  He said, "Do you gamble,  drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy  women?", "No," I said, "I've  never done any of those things." He looked  at me and said, "Then why in  hell do you want to live to be 80??"
 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the Seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.
Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."
Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor.
The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"
"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work. Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also
going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket, rugby, tennis and golf who will be admired and feared by all who come across them"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you  said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whingeing, Sheep-rooting Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them!" 
 
 

A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and  says, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for  a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to you ?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife  appears out of nowhere 

I recommended you for this job hope you don't mind, but I recommended you for appointment as a judge in the thirteenth annual women's bicycle race which starts in Marina Del Rey and ends in Redondo Beach, January 12th, 2003. The race starts promptly at
9:30 am.

You will be contacted in the next few days by John McVey, who has been in charge of this race the last few years. He told me he was looking for keen observers and that's why I thought of you.

The photograph below was taken at the Marina Del Rey starting position last year. I hope you will be able to participate.
(This is up your alley)

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.

" While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.

" This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES


 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.


 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.


 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.


 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.


 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."


 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.


 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.


 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.


 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.


 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


 TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND


 10. Cats' facial expressions.


 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.


 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.


 7. Fat clothes.


 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.


 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.


 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.


 3. Eyelash curlers.


 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.


 AND, the Number One thing


 1. Only women understand OTHER WOMEN

The Family History One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey." 

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. 

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" 

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too." 

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

Two out of three ain't bad


 A bum, who'd obviously seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well-dressed man on the street.

 "Hey, Buddy..........can you spare two dollars?"

 The well-dressed man replied.......... "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

 "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

 "You're not going to throw it away on fishing gear, are you?".... the gentleman asked

 "No way!... I don't fish either!".....answered the bum.

 "You wouldn't waste the money on a deer lease, would you?" asks the man.

 "Never!" says the bum, "I don't hunt!"

 So the man asked the bum if he'd like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepted eagerly.

 While they were heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity got the better of him.....
 "Isn't your wife going to be upset when you bring a guy like me to your house for dinner?"

 "Probably," said the man, "but it'll be damn well worth it. for her to see what happens to a man that doesn't drink, fish or hunt"!

True story.

Two weeks ago a speed camera van in Canberra was approached by 4 youths.
Whilst the camera operator was talking to three boys about the vans equipment and how it works, the fourth boy proceeded to undo the vans front number plate.

They then said good-bye to the operator, Went home and fixed the number plate to their car and proceeded to drive considerably over the speed limit 17 times through the speed camera radar..

Needless to say, there was considerable embarrassment by Urban services when the computer posted their own speeding fines to the department.

This blonde decides one day that she  is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that  blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the  house.

 The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

 He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

 He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket  and a fur coat at the same time.

 He goes over and asks her if she is OK.  She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.

 She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

 He then asks her why  she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

(Scroll down)... I love this one ...

















FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first applicant was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE...


 HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (as answered by primary school students)

 You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10


 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10


 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10


 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6


 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


 You might have to guess, like maybe if they were yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8


 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


 Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8


 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


 Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8


 On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10


 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR ?


 I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9


 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


 When they're rich. Pam, age 7


 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should Marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8


 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?


 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9


 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


 Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10 (This has to be a cool kid)

GOOD TOWEL-HEADS V BAD TOWEL-HEADS
 
In light of recent world events, there has been much discussion about "Towel-heads." It is unfair to profile and characterize all "towel-heads" as bad or evil. In fact, there are some good "towel-heads." In fact, it is your civic duty to be able to distinguish between good and evil towel-heads!

Suppose, for instance, you were walking down a dark alley and encounter a towel-head... what would you do? Knowing the difference between good and evil is paramount. The difference between some Uzi carrying dirt-bag, camel loving bad towel-head and a good towel-head can sometimes be the difference between life and death.

So that you can make a clear distinction,

I have attached photographs of a bad towel-head and a good "Towel-head." You must study the pictures
carefully so that you will not confuse the two in a moment of indecision. . . it could save your life! Now then.....  Scroll down to check the difference :       




BAD towel-head

GOOD towel-head.

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
 He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

 Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest.  He's a civil servant.  He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:30

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.  Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.

 Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've
 lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.

 Please let me win the lotto."

 Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

 She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

 Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You.

 PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

 Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

 "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. 

With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs out the back door and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you? " 

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husbands hand and said, " Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. 

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...." 

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: Bob, you're a vet."

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is cooking and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

 The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says, "Your Dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him." 

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."

 

  People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLES THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLES HIM WITH VIGORO

Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

Neighbourhood Protest

Sacrifice for your Country! We have to do what we have to do because the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife. Next Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove that they think it's OK to see women nude. And since the enemy does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. Notify the appropriate authorities of any people who do not participate. Your efforts to root out terrorists will be greatly appreciated and indicate your desire to demonstrate your patriotism. To achieve 100% participation, forward this to other similarly minded patriots.

Extract from Book of Australian Etiquette


GENERAL RULES:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.


DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.

2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about: Tell the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?

"She hesitates a moment, then says "Yes, 3 times, Sidney."

"Three times?" How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

The wife begins recalling slowly "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?" 

"Yes, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.

Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" 

"That's hard to take" the man says "but I guess it really was for us, so I can forgive you." 

"What was the second time?" 

"Well," she continued "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"

"Yes of course" the man replies.

"Then you will remember that right after I went to seethe doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" she explained. 

"That's true" Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha ,but I do understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you. "So, what was the third time? 

"Marsha lowers her head and says "Sidney, do you remember when you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes?" 

The man fainted....

A Priest is walking down by the sea near Parish one day and comes upon a man fishing, whom he knows from his congregation. Before the man can see the Priest he catches a fish and yells out "Got you, you fucker!" 

The Priest admonishes him for his language, but, not wanting to have to pay penance on his next visit to church, the man tells the Priest that that's the name of the fish. "It's actually called a 'Fucker Fish' Father. That's the species of fish." He says. 

The Priest says he didn't know that and apologises for jumping to conclusions. He then asks if he can have a go fishing himself. Only seconds after putting the rod in the water, he catches a fish himself. "I've got a Fucker too!" he yells, then wraps it in paper and heads back to the church where he meets his Bishop. The Bishop compliments him on the fine looking fish and the Priest say "Yes, I caught the Fucker myself.

"The Bishop is shocked until the Priest explains that this is what the fish is called. Then the Bishop offers to fillet the fish for the Priest. Together they go to the kitchen where a nun has the job of cooking for them. After exchanging greetings she asks why they're there. 

The Bishop says, "Actually sister we need a sharp knife so I can fillet this Fucker." The sister is absolutely beside herself until it's explained to her that this is the name of the fish, whereupon she offers to cook it for all their dinners. So the Fucker Fish is filleted and cooked when, as luck would have it, the Pope drops by for a visit and, of course, they invite him to stay for dinner. The Pope eats some of this fish and clearly loves it. 

He declares, "This is the best fish I've ever tasted. It's wonderful." 

The young Priest then proudly tells him, "Thank you Your Holiness. I caught the Fucker myself." Then the Bishop adds, "And I filleted the Fucker. "And the nun says, "And I cooked the Fucker." 

The Pope is completely silent for a few moments. He looks around the group very slowly, then, pushes his chair back and pours himself a large whisky. He then produces a huge joint from inside his robes, lights it, puts his feet up on the table and says, "Y'know, You cunts are alright!"

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 apple

1 banana

1 orange

1 peach

1 plum

1 tomato

1 lettuce

1 cabbage

1 potato

1 muesli bar

1 pie 

1 box of cereal

1 frozen dinner

1 single frozen pizza

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says "single huh?

"The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?

"He says, "'cause you're ugly"

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a hand saw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him but he can't hear, so the man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

 The man on the1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1stfloor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you? I said I needed a handsaw!!

"The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!"

Anti-theft device

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless
started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
"Of course".

The American blew a huge bubble. " We don't. In the states we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform then into croissants, and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course".

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the states we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" 

The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course"

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think its called Wrigley's?"

The First Affair

There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters.

The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he  cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?

"The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

  The Second Affair

 A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery -  Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove  the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you  that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" 

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening he front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.  "Just pretend you're  a  statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought  one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they  went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the  kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of  milk.
 Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the  Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for  a beer. "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent."

 "ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer. The barman replies, "Yes." 

So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," the bartender replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent.  "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something  I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your  best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

 The Sixth Affair

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every  request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,"   "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years  and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call  your  wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.  You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.  Try playing a game  of fetch.
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?"  the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of  the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened.
Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling warm sensation between my toes." The foot doctor thought this was  kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this  sensation between all of her toes.
She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big toes!"

Two terrorists are chatting.  One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.  "Yeah, this is my oldest.  He's a martyr.
Here's my second son.  He's a martyr, too." ...There's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humour and a good personality. This was a survey published in 'Full Of Shit Magazine.'

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to  find a woman I can't stand and just give her a house.  It'll be cheaper than another divorce."   

Well, folks, it has finally happened.

The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?

A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?

Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?

No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?

So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?

Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?

"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?

The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?

A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?

Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?

It matches their moustache

DICTIONARY OF LOVE

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. 

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks.

There  where only 3 survivors: Paul, Robert and Holly.......... They manage to swim to a small island.......They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.............. After several years of casual sex all the time, Holly felt really bad about what she had been doing................... She felt having sex with Robert and Paul was so bad that she killed herself............... It was very tragic but Robert and Paul managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitablecourse...................

Well, a couple more years went by and Robert and Paul began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing..................... So................They buried her.

Ole took Inga home with him and took off his shirt.

Ole says, "Inga, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants.

Inga says, "Ole dat's nice calves you have dare."

Ole says, "Inga dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Inga screamed and ran out the door.

Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her, Ole said, "Inga, viy did you run out like dat?"

Inga said, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked. The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey can find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties.
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties "What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, dey always look for dat black box first!!!

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is  like Africa. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally  beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
 Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is  like America. Completely discovered, very well developed and open  to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like  India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is  like France. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can  still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
 Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like  Yugoslavia. She lost
the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive  reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like  Russia. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled and  the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is  like Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan.  Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is  like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

  There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.  Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!  Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out..... you.................f*cking mosquito!!!

The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was

This guy happened to be her dream guy so she fell in love with him at once...

A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her why she did that she gave a shocking answer..

What is her motive in killing her sister?

Answer

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up.

This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?!

 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't  drink and drive?

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

 The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

 "Give the ballerina another drink!"

 The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's  your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

READ THIS FIRST...This ad was in the yellow pages; UNTIL they realized that if you turned it upside down and covered her head and the hand holding the glass, all was not as it seemed! The telephone company has now taken this ad out because of the content, but we found it for everyone to see.

Take a look at first picture (glass up) as it appeared, then open the second picture (glass down), put your hand over her face and the glass, and see what you get!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went  into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later".
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.  She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.  The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it while it's running" ! ! ! ! ! ! !

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Sounds Fishy

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week."
"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
 Well now you do:

 A - Almost boobs
 B - Barely there
 C - Can do
 D - Damn good
 E - Enormous
 F - Fake

Try and make sense of this one. 

 At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President  Dr.Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a  bizarre death. 

On  March  23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He  left  a  note to the effect indicating his despondency.  As he  fell  past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a  window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was  aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level  to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

 "Ordinarily,"  Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds,  even  though the mechanism might not be what he  intended, is still defined as committing suicide." 

That Mr Opus was shot on the  way to certain  death,  but   probably would not have been successful because  of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. In the  room  on  the  ninth  floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied  by  an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he  was threatening  her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled  the  trigger  he  completely  missed  his wife and the pellets went through  the  window striking Mr Opus. 

When one intends to kill subject "A" but  kills  subject  "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When  confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant  and  both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man  said  it  was a long-standing  habit to  threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore  the  killing  of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the  gun  had been accidentally loaded. 

The continuing investigation turned up  a witness  who  saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks  prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off  her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to  use  the  shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun  with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since  the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even  though  he didn't  actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further  investigation  revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had  become  increasingly  despondent  over  the failure of his attempt to engineer  his  mother's  murder.  This led  him  to jump off the ten story building  on  March  23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through  the  ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. 

(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt) 

Before you read this, just ask yourself one question.

The  answer should be a simple yes or no

Here is the question:    Do you have a goldfish?

Just answer yes or no, and then read below..

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a  rough pub when  well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living.

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession .

Dave: - Oh !What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I do have a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist.

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope  

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker  

 

 

Difficult words to say when you are drunk......

* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....

* Thanks, but I don't want sex
* No, I don't want another drink
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Terms for Female Masturbation:

5 Digit Disco

Buzzing the honey hole

Backslappin' Betty

Bailing out the Gravy Boat

Beaver bashin'

Bouncing the bearded clam

Buffing the box

Buffing the jewel

Buttering up the whisker biscuit

Clam twiddlin' jamboree

Critter crammin'

Damming the beaver

Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone

Diddling miss daisy

Diggin' for clams

Digitis Erectus

Fingering the fountain

Flicking the minnow

Friday night lip service

Frosting the muffin of love

Giving yourself the finger

Going for the gooey duct

Impeaching Bush

Juicing the clam

Let your fingers do the walking

Lip smacking

Menage a'moi

Petting the kitty

Piddly Diddler

Playing the squeezebox

Pokin' the pie

Polishing the little pink pearl

Pumping the kooter

Punchin' the chipmunk

Reading in Braille

Riding the clitorisauras

Romancing thy own

Roughing up the suspect

Self-guided tuna boat tour

SISTERS OF MERCY (Let them worship your temple) (Cat's saying!!!)

Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose

Spanking Lucy

Stroking the newt

Ticklin' the taco

Tissue tickling

Twirling the pearl

Unbuttoning the fur coat (What fur???)

Warming the wrist rocket

"I do not like work - even when someone else does it." - Mark Twain

 

WHAT THE?????

 Driving to the office this morning on the M3, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 km per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

 I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. 

After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" 

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?

"Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rose answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

 Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red.He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true." Carmella answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes

Did you hear the guy who wrote the hokey pokey died last week .. age 84 ... relatives were ok at the funeral ..till they tried to put him in the coffin ...you put the left foot in

A young hotshot secured a job with the Taxation Department and his first assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

He thought he'd have a little fun with the Rabbi, so he asked: "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the altar candles?"

The Rabbi said: "We send them to the candle factory and, once in a while, they send us a free candle."

The hotshot said: "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The Rabbi said: "We send them to a matzoh ball factory and, once in a while, they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

So then the hotshot said: "And what do you do with the foreskins from circumcisions?"

And the Rabbi said: "We send them to the managers of the Taxation Department and, once in a while, they send us a little prick like you."

 

 

A middle-aged Egyptian tourist on his first visit to Paris, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, flirt a little, giggle a bit, Drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the guy. They sit and talk, flirt a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to the Egyptian.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks (slaps) him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to him and says that she's the best in the house and is available.

She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. The Egyptian leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Egyptian currency?"

A Charlotte NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stock-pile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires.

"The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires.

"NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal   Lawyers Award Contest

 

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

* "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

* Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

* "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

* "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.

"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

* "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.

* "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

* The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor  over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

* "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.   "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?"

The bewildered guy calmly asked? Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

Nightmare #2 - this is worse;

 The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?

Hmm I know."

He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.

Soon she began to squirm and spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs!?!?!

He says, "What are you doing in here?!?"She said,

"Shhhh!" pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

 

 

This a great example of "did I say that out loud???"

This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, (or rather implied) she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question.

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

Have a good day."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, When her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat."

 

 

Auto Anti-theft device!

 

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it HURT!!!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
"My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" cries the man. "But I just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The
Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.  The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time. I said "BRING POSSE!"

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60 mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to 80 mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to 90 mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
 "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by on her way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row. The woman walks past, the old Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and says, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."

The old Indian says, "Already know 'how'.....just want 'chance'

Here's  something to think about...

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer  heart attacks than the British, Americans or  Australians.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also  suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or  Australians.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer  heart attacks than the British, Americans or  Australians.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and  also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British,  Americans or Australians.
(E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like.  It's speaking English that kills  you.

 

Lack Of Sex Education:

A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother, "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"

"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up, and she didn't have to explain.

"Oh gosh!" shrieked the panic-stricken girl, "When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"

 

Polly Or Jack:

A middle manager was in a quandary.

He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.

It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.

Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Polly replied,

"Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

If u take an oriental person & spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, tree surgeons debarked,& dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex & UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons & forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever really says "Its only a game", when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

 

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

 

Dear Friends and Relatives,
 I am writing this to you to ask for your moral and emotional support.  You see, shortly after Christmas I was contacted by a girl that I met a little over a year ago.  She informed me that she had given birth to a child and that I was the father.  I was very sceptical at first but then she sent me a picture and...well...there's no doubting that I'm the father.

  Regards, 

   Cyclone

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better.  I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going
out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.  He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead.  What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly.  

 

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the

patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."

THE VALUE OF UNDIES ~~(a true story)

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily  News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,  only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the  car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of  people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs  protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private  parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she  dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. He was just fine.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

 

The Irish Priest

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"- all the men stood up.

"No No" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"- all the women stood up.

"No No" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."- half the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"- all the nuns stood up.

Why Beer Should be Served at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up

2. It leads to more honest communication

3. It reduces complaints about low pay

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear

5. It encourages car pooling

6. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work

8. It makes fellow employees look better

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable

12. Employees work later since there is no longer a need to relax at the bar

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas

14. It eliminates the need for the emloyees to get  drunk on their lunch break

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up

16. Sitting "Bare Ass" on the photocopy machine will no longer be seen as gross 

 

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it, in shaky handwriting, were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

 

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret.... guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret.... guys feel left out. That's right... left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory.... this holiday has been created so your ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all.... just a steak and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says "Bend Over".
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much eastrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
 "OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
 "OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 "OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. 

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 

Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

7. Why are men and parking spaces alike? 

Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. 

8. What have men and floor tiles got in common? 

If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. 

9. Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? 

Because those men already have boyfriends. 

11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 

12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

3. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? 

No one to talk to during orgasm. 

14. What do you call a smart blonde? 

A golden retriever. 

15. Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 

16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs? 

  The blonde, because she's 18. 

17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? 

Ask your Mom. 

18. How do you know when you're really ugly? 

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. 

19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life? 

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? 

Because they have cotton balls. 

21. What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts? 

Her navel. 

22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A Bingo Machine.

23. Why did God create alcohol? 

So ugly people could have sex too.

24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 

"Are you sure it's mine?" 

25. What three two-letter words mean small? 

"Is It In?" 

26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? 

Mace will do that to you. 

27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? 

Divorce proceedings most likely. 

28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania? 

Everyone has the same DNA.

29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? 

They named him Sum Ting Wong. 

30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 

A speech impediment. 

31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at  half mast? 

They're hiring. 

32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? 

Men miss them all. 

33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 

Breasts don't have eyes. 

34. Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek? 

Because they're not going to work in the future either. 

35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? 

He walks around saying "Yo."

36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm? 

A Pimp. 

37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo? 

A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe. 

38. What's the Indonesian National Anthem? 

Row row, row your boat ashore.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories

3. He loved green pastures. 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proves that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. 

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. And then, all the other bells started to ring..........

 

 

Couple had been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?..........

LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR ***KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER ***KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ***HOLE?!!"

"True Meanings of Male Speech Patterns"

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you Marry me?"
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing ."
MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me

SEX MATHEMATICS

This is pretty neat how it works out. This is cool chocolate math!!!!!! DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50, I'll wait while you get the calculator................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752.... If you haven't, add 1751 ..........

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number ......

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are ...........YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)

 

First a reprise of how ordinary hardware stores sell paint: 

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Shop Assistant: We have normal quality paint for $18 a litre and  premium paint for $25. How many litres would you like? 

Customer: Five litres of normal paint please.

Shop Assistant: Great. That will be $90.

Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas: First you spend days trying to reach them by phone to ask if they have  paint. Nobody answers. So you drive to a Qantas store. Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Shop Assistant: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? 

Shop Assistant: Our lowest price is $12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a litre.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint? 

Shop Assistant: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Shop Assistant: When do you intend to use the paint? 

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Shop Assistant: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. 

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Shop Assistant: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Shop Assistant: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Shop Assistant: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per litre just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Shop Assistant: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your  paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many litres do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Shop Assistant: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Shop Assistant: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, You will lose your remaining litres of paint. 

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! 

Shop Assistant: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Shop Assistant: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs? 

Shop Assistant: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in  half-litres. One $5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Shop Assistant: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for  your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from  someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a litre.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! 

Shop Assistant: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. 

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. 

Shop Assistant: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. 

Customer: You're insane! 

Shop Assistant: But we're now THIS COUNTRY'S only paint supplier! And don't go looking for bargains! Thanks for painting with Qantas.

 

 

The Gender Gap

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect! You can be the husband."

 

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69." "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!

"What was that for???" he asks.

"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going??" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

 

 

Little Johnny tells his father he would like to have a new bicycle. Dad tells Johnny, "There's no way I can afford a new bike right now. The mortgage on the house is $80,000, your mother wrecked the car and she just lost her job."
The next day, the father notices little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. He stops little Johnny and asks, "Where do you think you're going?"
Johnny says, "Well, last night I was walking past your bedroom and I heard you tell mommy that you were pulling out. She told you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here all
by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

THE SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.  So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember .Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?'*. I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to.

DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO AUSSIES 

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 

 3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new  art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 

 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

 5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of  tomato sauce. 

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by  placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers. 

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 

10. it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. 

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "an old bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a "bludging bastard". 

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".  Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes. 

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 

16 The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 

17. it's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry; he'll have catered for it).

20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in  your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food  versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher. 

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realizes that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test:-: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a beer, while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie

 

Think about this!

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's.
In a few years we will have millions of people running around with huge breasts and erections, but they won't remember what the hell to do with 'em...

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean 

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbours would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

 ====================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.  I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money so we call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the  Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.  He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.  He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.  At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though.

You got pregnant last night!!!"

  and even more old jokes

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