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old jokes...............
Hey, guys can someone help me?
I'm on the move again, but I'm tied into the lease with penalties
unless I can find someone to take over my flat share.
It is very enjoyable even though I cannot have a nice quiet breakfast
in the morning anymore as the kitchen is always packed at this time of
day.
The bathroom is always engaged and lots of other problems have occurred in the meantime.
Sometimes we need to have a shower together due to our lack of money!!!
To give you an idea about the problems I am facing I've sent you a picture taken in the kitchen at
7.00am.
Is there anybody out there who would like to take over my room?
Please let me know!!!
Craigos
There was this gas station in Black Mountain, NC trying to
increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Notables from a distant Oracle:
1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.50 at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
21. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, to his son who had been waiting.
O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully............"Give
me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."
"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi............"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes."
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was
going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "We are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive, native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not get tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica!"
ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?
Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your time. Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are. Ready? ... GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. (You know you took too much time.)
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that
towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her
800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob our
neighbour,"
she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure
Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the
priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might
miss a great opportunity!
Corporate Lesson 3
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level
managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a
preference for Golf. Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce
in size.
Another good lesson!!
Corporate Lesson 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out
in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so
I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's
gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian
Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.....
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come
naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Mother of all bombs!
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy shit lady! I am carrying a bloody bucket, a 60 pound anvil, two laying hens and a goddam goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
biggest woman in the world: she is from Holland, measures a little
over 7'4"
and weighs 320 pounds...
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Dearest friends,
This will come
as a shock to those of you who know me well but I have
made the monumental decision to take a complete year off.
There are a
number of reasons, but the major contributor to my decision
has been my involvement with a guerrilla group in
Bolivia, who are
fighting for freedom and justice against unbelievable odds.
I have been communicating with this group for several months, and now
finally will join them.
I know most of you will think I am totally crazy but I have not made this decision
lightly.
Nothing you can say or do will stop me doing what I truly believe in.
I hope to see you again when the battle is won.....
A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is
that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a
sign that says
"This Bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says
"This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says......"Go up and ask him if it was with the same old cow.
A man came home from work, sat down in his
favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a
beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon.
"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts.
Well, that was it for her! She blew her top and bellowed:
"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?">> > >
The husband sighed. "SHIT, YOU STARTED EARLY!"
The art of lovemaking Proud to be an Aussie!!
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothin. When I've finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me "old mate" on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f##king! roof !!!"
AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! OI! OI! OI!
The advantages of
being a man
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
ONE mood, ALL the BLOODY time.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in 45 minutes.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St.Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"
Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Men
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra
large
condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Questions, questions, questions......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen. and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some more of his gems:
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you firs time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want ...... numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.............."You want... Beef wif Broccori?"
Little Johnny Again!
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated".
The teacher said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, " My sister Denise has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
A married
couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?
"The wife says, "No I've got everything I need.
"Oh, really, he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum- sucking assholes!
LIBERAL VERSUS CONSERVATIVE DECISION TAKING
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
Shoot the son of a bitch! Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs with apple pie, sing the national anthem, go to church and praise the Lord for one more day of freedom.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny.
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
32. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
(C-L Editor's note: it's antipasto)
33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in
it?
35. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of
"asteroids"?
36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
An
86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling and the 86-year-old says, "I've never felt
better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have an 85
year old friend, much like yourself, who is an avid trophy hunter and never
misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he
got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He
raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of
that?"
The 86-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into
that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Ali G's interview with Elton John This is actual transcript of Ali
G's interview with Elton John. ...this is apparently going to be televised very soon - but Elton John is trying to stop the broadcast - can't imagine why!
Ali G: Alo! I is ere wiv none uver dan da batty boy of pop, John Elton. Respect.
Elton John: It's Elton John actually Ali.
Ali G: Aiih, whatever. So John, is you always been a batty boy cause I erd dat you woz once married - although I also erd dat da missus was mingin?
Elton John: Well Ali if you mean have I always been gay then probably deep down I was but maybe fought it because in my younger days especially it was not socially acceptable to be gay.
Ali G: Fer real, but when you was gettin' jiggy did you fink about people like James Dean and that Jonny Rottweiler who was tarzan so you wouldn't end up wiv a floppy or woz you tris*xual and didn't care where you was stickin' Mr biggy? Elton John: Again I probably fought hard to convince myself wasn't gay so I never had a problem maintaining an er*ction with women. I now know I am homos*xual so I would probably struggle to get aroused with a woman now.
Ali G: Wow, I fink I might be homos*xual then cause Mr biggy wasn't coming out to play last Saturday night although ma Julie says it woz coz I drank a bottle of Dan Jackiels and had about 6 spl*ffs. I fink it woz coz me Julie isn't very subtractive now in fact she's a dog.
Elton John:I think you're Julie was right - it takes one to know one.
Ali G: Wot, is you saying me Julie is a batty boy? Nah, the b*tch won't take it up the exit hole, I've tried slipping it in a few times. Happarently Julie is too nice a girl for batty s*x but she's not too nice for a threesome wiv me mate Dave - it woz wicked!
Elton John: Well a lot of women are not keen on anal s*x just as I know some gay men who are not keen on it either. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to like it - there are other ways to express yourself s*xually with another man.
Ali G: Eh? Like fellatilatio you mean or gaelic.
Elton John: Gaelic?
Ali G: Aiih, gaelic. When batty boys lick each other.
Elton John: Sure, oral s*x is one way of pleasing a lover but sensual massage can be very enjoyable for example.
Ali G: But dat is a bit rank innit - ah mean you need to lose you're orange juice or what is da point? Anyways enough talk about homosapiens - I hear dat you spend killions of dosh every year on shopping. Is dat because you is a feminist?
Elton John: I do spend a lot of money on shopping yes but I wouldn't describe myself as a feminist.
Ali G: But I thought dat all gay people were feminists?
Elton John: Eh?
Ali G: Chill. Anyway, is you related to dat lefty comedian Ben Elton cause I fink he is rank.
Elton John: No, I told you before my name is Elton John and not John Elton.
Ali G: Cool, woz your parents spaced out when dey named you?
Elton John: No, that's not my real name but my stage name. Many performers change their names to try to sound more appealing to the public. Take Gary Glitter for example, his name is really Paul Gadd - can you imagine the same guy selling so many records as Paul Gadd or me as Reg Dwight.
Ali G: Nah, but I can imagine him taking some poor kiddies up the Gary Glitter coz he's a paedovile innit. Anyways, talkin of sickos - how's yer >mate George Michael - I would never let my son go down on him the preverted bastard.
Elton John: OK so George made a mistake - anyway I thought you said enough of the gay talk. I'd much rather you concentrated on another aspect of me.
Ali G: Me know what you is saying, sorry Mr Elton. OK then, does you not fink dat you looks rank wearing a wig? Ah mean you looked a total d*ck in the seventies wiv da shades but everyone looked like d*cks in da seventies.
Elton John: If you're going to insult me any more I will walk out of the interview - I can put up with a lot but you're going too far
Ali G: Chill Johnny, no offence. OK - you re-wrote dat Candle in the Wind song when Princess Di got wasted, do you fink she was incinerated by da SAS on da Queens orders or do you fink it woz just down to dat p*ssed French c*nt.
Elton John: Really Ali, Princess Diana was a very dear personal friend of mine whom I loved very much - I don't want to discuss it.
Ali G: You loved her, but how could you if you is a batty boy? Is she a femisist or somefink?
Elton John: (Elton leaves the room)
Ali G: Nil respect to da menstral batty boy of pop - some people is just too sensidine. It must be all da years hangin wiv da homosapiens and havin his batty bashed. Anyways I is off for some erbal remedy wiv me boyz westside.
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde
lady sitting in the audience stands up.
"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"
Bill
worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years
when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife told him to go to a sex therapist and talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill,
what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
all alone,
just she and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hand on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
And all at once
The white stuff came
At last it finished
It's all over now
My very first time
MILKING A COW!
BANKSTOWN HSC EXAM QUESTIONS:
1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?
2. If Effie (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5hours, how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?
3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5thrace at Warwick Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?
4. Jim has just got a big payout from work cover for a bad back, does he?
A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house veranda
C: go to the casino and try to double it.
5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?
6. Peter and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?
7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks like he's running an intercooler?
8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500-watt amps and twin 15-inch subwoofers?
9. Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night. How many cousins does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to fight the bouncers?
10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day. How much gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim and still wants to look cool for Rogues later?
11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?
12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his skin-tight lycra top. How much will he need to bench press at the gym on Friday night?
13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais 5.0 ltr. How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if?
A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF Ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub
15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the slickmate 18inch Simmons wheels he just scored?
16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic. He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should he buy?
17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on his Torana. Which one will get him more roots?
18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on the windows as well?
19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?
20. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on his back. Should he?
A: Shave it
B: Wax it
C: Get electrolysis like his sister
D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men.
BEING A BLOKE IS GREAT BECAUSE...
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview
Your orgasms are real.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, noticeanythingdifferent?"
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.
"You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, onDecember24th,in 45 minutes.The world is your urinal.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she
hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
--- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
---Tiger Woods"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady ... and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--- RoseanneWomen need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--- Robert DE Niro"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think: ''I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--- Jerry Seinfeld"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--- Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--- Robin Williams
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that
her hair
smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any
longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Subject:
Female keywords and their meaning
11. "Thanks" The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and
don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "any time."
12. "Thanks A Lot" "Thanks A Lot" is
dramatically different from "Thanks."
A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh."
This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way.
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
You Don't Need to Be a
Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when
suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I
know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast
was clear.
One day a teacher told
her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide,
multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this
is the process of having sex. He said, first you add the bed, subtract the
clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3:
Dear God,
I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter.
Letter 4:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
By now, Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner, "Leroy's mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, Into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5:
GOD, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Don't Lie to Mom
Matt invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Matt's roommate Cindy was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Matt and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Matt and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Matt volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Cindy and I are just roommates." About a week later, Cindy came to Matt and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Matt said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote. "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Matt received a letter from his mother which read. "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Cindy, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Cindy. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love MomTHIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because women who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days.
"She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "you can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.<