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old jokes...............

Hey, guys can someone help me?
I'm on the move again, but I'm tied into the lease with penalties unless I can find someone to take over my flat share.
It is very enjoyable even though I cannot have a nice quiet breakfast in the morning anymore as the kitchen is always packed at this time of day.
The bathroom is always engaged and lots of other problems have occurred in the meantime.
Sometimes we need to have a shower together due to our lack of money!!!
To give you an idea about the problems I am facing I've sent you a picture taken in the kitchen at 7.00am.
Is there anybody out there who would like to take over my room?
Please let me know!!!

Craigos

ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's  name is Mary. Read the question again.
 

Corporate lesson 1
 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob our neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
 

Corporate lesson 2
 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
 

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
 Corporate Lesson 3
 

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf. Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
 

 Another good lesson!!
 

 Corporate Lesson 4
 

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
      "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
     In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,  relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
     "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I  want those two back in the office after lunch."
    

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Mother of all bombs!

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
 The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy shit lady! I am carrying a bloody bucket, a 60 pound anvil, two laying hens and a goddam goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 

biggest woman in the world: she is from Holland, measures  a little
over 7'4" and weighs 320 pounds...

Dearest  friends,

This will come as a shock to those of you who know me well but I have made the monumental decision to take a complete year off.

There are a number of reasons, but the major contributor to my decision has been my involvement with a guerrilla group in Bolivia, who are fighting for freedom and justice against unbelievable odds.

I have been communicating with this group for several months, and now  finally will join them.

I know most of you will think I am totally crazy but I have not made this decision  lightly.

Nothing you can say or do will stop me doing what I truly believe in.

I hope to see you again when the battle is won.....

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says

"This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says

"This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says,

"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says......"Go up and ask him if it was with the same old cow.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it  starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon.

"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts.

Well, that was it for her! She blew her top and bellowed:

"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day  long?">> > >

 The husband sighed. "SHIT, YOU STARTED EARLY!"

The art of lovemaking Proud to be an Aussie!!

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothin. When I've finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me "old mate" on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f##king! roof !!!"

AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! OI! OI! OI!

The advantages of being a man

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

ONE mood, ALL the BLOODY time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in 45 minutes.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St.Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"

 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. 
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." 

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife told him to go to a sex therapist and talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"

 "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh...she got fired too."

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
all alone,
just she and I

Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hand on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
And all at once
The white stuff came

At last it finished
It's all over now
My very first time
MILKING A COW!

BANKSTOWN HSC EXAM QUESTIONS:

1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?

2. If Effie (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5hours, how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?

3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5thrace at Warwick Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?

4. Jim has just got a big payout from work cover for a bad back, does he?

    A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece

    B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house veranda 

    C: go to the casino and try to double it.

5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?

6. Peter and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?

7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks like he's running an intercooler?

8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500-watt amps and twin 15-inch subwoofers?

9. Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night. How many cousins does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to fight the bouncers?

10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day. How much gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim and still wants to look cool for Rogues later?

11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?

12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his skin-tight lycra top. How much will he need to bench press at the gym on Friday night?

13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais 5.0 ltr. How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?

14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if?

    A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets

    B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF Ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system

C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub

15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the slickmate 18inch Simmons wheels he just scored?

16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic. He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should he buy?

17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on his Torana. Which one will get him more roots?

18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on the windows as well? 

19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?

20. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on his back. Should he?

    A: Shave it

    B: Wax it

    C: Get electrolysis like his sister

    D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men.

BEING A BLOKE IS GREAT BECAUSE...

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview

Your orgasms are real. 

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, noticeanythingdifferent?"

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the damn time.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.

"You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

The world is your urinal.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." 

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"  Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

--- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

--- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

--- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

--- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

--- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

--- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think: ''I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

--- Rod Stewart

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to  her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Subject: Female keywords and their meaning

11. "Thanks" The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "any time."

12. "Thanks A Lot" "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks."
A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh."
This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way.
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex. He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

 Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:

Dear God, 

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

 Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:

 Dear God,

This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3:

 Dear God,

I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday.

 Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter.

 Letter 4:

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner, "Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, Into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5:

GOD, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

 Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

Don't Lie to Mom

Matt invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Matt's roommate Cindy was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Matt and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Matt and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Matt volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Cindy and I are just roommates." About a week later, Cindy came to Matt and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Matt said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote. "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Matt received a letter from his mother which read. "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Cindy, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Cindy. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because women who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days.

"She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "you can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Car Stickers

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the Tax Office

No radio - Already stolen.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality cheque?

Few women admit their age: Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

ATO: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

My kid beat up your honour student!

So many cats, so few recipes.

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1.  I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2.  Ahhhh, it's cute.

3.  Why don't we just cuddle?

4.  You know they have surgery to fix that.

5.  Make it dance.

6.  Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7.  Wow, and your feet are so big.

8.  It's OK, we'll work around it.

9.  Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out-
"Pa!  You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"  Pa replies, "There
ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!"  Ma yells back, "Yes
there is, now git out there and fix it."  So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma!  There ain't nuthin' wrong with the
outhouse!"  Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"  Pa yells back, "I
ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"  Ma says, "Ya have to stick
yur head in the hole to see what to fix."  So with that, Pa sticks
his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma!  There ain't nuthin'
wrong with this outhouse!"  Ma hollers back, "Now take your head
out of the hole!"  Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!  Help!  My beard is stuck in the cracks
in the toilet seat!"  To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree, and, holding a knife to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

MICKEY MOUSE

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy and that is why you want a divorce?"

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

The Queen was visiting one of Sydney's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this? "The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and he is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen. 

On the next floor they passed a room where a attractive young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with MBF."

10. I admire you're strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best is getting you drunk

9.Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless one day you refuse to swallow

8.I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hope that later you'd be my whore

7.This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $200.00 a night

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, especially when I'm spanking your beautiful ass

5. Before I met you my heart was so famished, but now I'm fulfilled.......SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH

4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown, but so has your ass

3.You're a honey... and you're a cutie, I just wish you had J-Lo's "booty"

2. I don't want to be soppy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let's do it I'm horny

1. If you think this hickey looks like a blister, you should see the one I gave to your sister!

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come with me running through the beautiful forest...you'll see you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest...you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up, and the rabbit says "Lion my friend, why you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, lighter and spoon, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

  "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

  "Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.  It's plenty big for both of us."

  "And how will you live?"

  "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."

  Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

  "Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my
vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell
anything." The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an
operation." She asks, "On my vagina?" He says, "No. On your nose."

Subject: password
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,
and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he
wants to use when logging on. The husband, thinking he'll be
oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his
desired password by the computer. p - e - n - i - s  His wife rolls her
eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the
computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

 At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart. "

I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"

 While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" after a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: "Sorry, we had to mow the lawn."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The guy smiled and said, "Well lady, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person. 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" 

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted, "You don¹t have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently,

"Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

CINDERELLA

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agreed. 

"What's the second condition?"

Cinderella agreed to be home by midnight. The appointed hour came and went, and Cinderella didn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella showed up, looking lovestruck and VERY satisfied.

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven  ...  don't step on the ducks." 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" 

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to  be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.  

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

The Farm Hand

A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." 

He did.

"Now take off my skirt." He did.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks - I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it!"

So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No, I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it!"

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool; I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I presume?"

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.  The nurse came out to congratulate the old man.
"This is amazing." she said, "How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "Simple, you've got to keep that old motor running!"
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "Simple, you've got to keep the old motor running!"
The following year she gave birth once more.
The nurse said, "You must be quite a man!"
He responded, "You've just got to keep that old motor running!"
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap!  You choose.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

I'm not your type.  I'm not inflatable.

I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than frown, but even less to give a dumb blank stare.

You can't stay young, but you can stay immature.

If ignorance is bliss, why isn't the world a happier place?

Don't take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.

Smile!  People will wonder what your up to.

Dilbert's Rules of Order

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

 

I love Mankind.  It's people I can't stand.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

If at first you don't succeed, delegate.

Whomever dies with the most toys still dies.

The stronger sex is the weaker sex because of the stronger sex's weakness for the weaker sex.

Remember the Golden Rule.  Whomever has the gold makes the rules.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, or He wouldn't have made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

CAT - the other white meat!

Beer - The reason I get up each afternoon!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Procrastinate Now

Rehab is for Quitters

My dog can lick anyone.

I have a degree in liberal arts - do you want fries with that?

Finally 18, and legally able to do what I've been doing since 14

Tasmania: one million people and 15 last names.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

I'm out of oestrogen and I've got a gun.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music!

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on.

FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

WELCOME TO TASMANIA - Set your watch back 20 years.

End Racism.  Kill Everyone.

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous guy. You get up and fix your hair, straighten your skirt, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You laugh at his jokes, tell him how fascinating he is , and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

What makes life 100 percent?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

can be represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96

However:

A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 %

And

B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top!

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D! Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car, I start toward the garage
and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...

But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but
since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now where is my chequebook?

Oops...there's only one check left. My extra chequebook is in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...I'm going to look for those cheques...
But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while...

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water...

I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There's my glasses...
I was looking for them all morning!
I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots--Aaaaaagh!
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in
the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it
back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do!!??!!

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is
sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, the cheque book still only has one cheque in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
because: I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'd get help,

BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail... 

MARTHA'S TIPS FOR ENTERTAINING

Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.

Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.

A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.

Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunnies!

 Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.

The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminium foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.

When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a mouldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.

The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

The first worm .. in alcohol .. dead!
Second worm .. in cigarette smoke .. dead!
Third worm in sperm .. dead!
Fourth worm in soil .. alive!

The conclusion of the study was that as long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a  bar.

  A guy walks in and asks the barman,  " Isn't that President Bush and
  Colin Powell sitting over there  ?"

  The barman says, " Yep, that's  them."

  So the guy walks over and says, "  Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here  ?"

  Bush says, " We're planning WW  III."

  And the guy says, " Really ? What's  going to happen ?"

  Bush says, " Well,  we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle  repairman."

  The guy exclaimed, " A  bicycle repairman ? Why kill a bicycle repairman  ?"

  Bush turns to Powell, punches him on  the shoulder and says, " See, smart ass, I told you no one would  worry about the 140 million Iraqis".

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with  patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

 All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

 He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

A little old lady went into the Westpac Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.

Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied,

"I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?

" Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure. There was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:

"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure,"

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Westpac Bank's president's balls in my hand."

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra.

But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.

According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it.

I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

And so they did.

Do you know what the letter said?

(scroll down)

No?

(scroll down a little more)

Hmmm...

You didn't get the letter either, huh??

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buya bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keep them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

THE NEW SLANG DICTIONARY : -

AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BEER SCOOTER

The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it

i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BUDGIE'S TONGUE

The female erection.

DOUBLE-BASS

A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

F*ckSh*tF*ckSh*tF*ckSh*t

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GOING FOR A MCSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit withLies.

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT

A vigorous masturbation session.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f*ck-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".

MUMBLER

An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PICASSO ARSE

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

RAGMAN'S COAT

Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e. g. "That mumbler looks quite fit ''

SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT

A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL or BITCH PISS

Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER

A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT

Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

W@NK SEANCE

During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

WYNONA RYDER

Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".

What a way to go eh?

 Wednesday January 16, 2002

GENEVA - A fun-filled bachelor party at a strip club turned deadly when a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was enjoying the attentions of a well-endowed stripper suffocated while his face was buried in her breasts.

The mind-boggling drama unfolded, say cops, while Daniel Greene was attending his bachelor party at the Pretty Kitty strip club.

The club had been rented out for the private affair.

According to investigators, Greene was enjoying a lap dance when disaster struck: One of the strippers, Kandy Kane, got too into her performance and suffocated the man between her 72-DD breasts.

 Witnesses said that Greene had had his fair share of beer, but didn't seem out-of-control. When the song "I'm Too Sexy" began to play, Greene became excited and began to dance on the tabletop, hooting and hollering, pals said, "like an idiot."

Miss Kane, apparently pleased to see someone enjoying her choice in music,  moved in closer.

When Greene took his seat, she began giving him a lap dance, shaking her breasts in his face. The more she shook, the deeper Greene got lost in her cleavage.  "Daniel was having so much fun," partygoer John Gillman said.

"We all thought he loved being in that gal's chest.

"Who could have known that when he was waving his hands around, he was signalling for help?"

Cheering onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts.

Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the Pretty Kitty for wrongful death.

Greene's father, George, won't specify the amount they are suing for, but claims that it isn't about the money.

"Those breasts were lethal weapons," he told reporters.

"The Pretty Kitty should not have allowed Miss Kane to have her bust enhanced to the size that she did.

"We hope that by filing this lawsuit, we can send a message to other strippers: keep your bra size within a reasonable range."

Kandy Kane made a statement through her attorneys: "I thought he liked it in there. "

The Pretty Kitty declined comment.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Over the last five years, the R.T.A. has been covertly funding a project with Australian car makers whereby the car makers have been installing "black boxes" in all high performance cars they have manufactured. 

This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances inthe last15seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find the last words of the drivers in 61.2%of the fatal crashes nationally were - "OH SHIT! 

"Only fatal crashes in the Sydney suburbs of Lakemba, Punchbowl, Wiley Park, Bankstown and Brighton were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were - "Watch this bro"

Why did the blond receptionist loose her job at the m-m factory??

A. Cause she kept on throwing out the one's with W's on them

What makes men chase women they have intentions of marring??

A. The same urge that dogs get from chasing cars they have no intentions of driving....

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to Kev the Panel Beater.

Kev saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun.

He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her room mate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The blonde told her how Kev the panel beater had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Hel-l-l-o-o-o-o!  You need to wind up the windows first!!.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'

Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're welcome"

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 

I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but  still have had no satisfaction.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it 

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

 EXERCISE ONE:

 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!

Ten Things men know for sure about women


1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.

10. They have breasts.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

Travelling home by train??

If you are a regular traveller on Sydney trains, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read.

During Autumn of 2001, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at The University of NSW removed a row of passenger seats from a City Rail carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite City Rail claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries.

 The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:

* 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)

* 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)

* vomit originating from at least 9 separate people

* human urine originating from at least 4 separate people

* human excrement

* rodent excrement

* human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

* the remains of 6 mice

* the remains of 2 large rats

* 1 previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the Sydney's City Rail.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a City Rail seat before eating. 

It is estimated that, within Sydney, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the City Rail than for any other reason (including alcohol).

SO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE YOU EAT!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken. Don't you like it anymore?"

She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it".

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay."

She pulled up her skirt, he looked and said, "That's right. Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.. ..

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too."

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you. You've already got the neck AND the gizzard!!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's  mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.   They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but you see, I'm recently 'widowed," she explained.   "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.   And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He then dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.  "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.   I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?"

An awkward silence followed.

"She just died and left me everything."

IT'S BE GREAT TO BE A MAN!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to go to another gas station because this one's too "icky".....
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone! Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me".
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors!
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
minutes.
Damn, It's Great to Be a Man!

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Their are these two blokes called Ted and Fred, Ted always comes to work as happy as Larry and Fred always comes to work as miserable as a wet week, so one day Fred walked up to Ted and asked him for his secret. 

He said "Fred mate what's your secret?" Ted simply replied "alls I do is I recite a poem to me missus every morning" 

Fred eagerly asking " What is it" Ted replies "it is easy mate Roses are red, Violet are blue, I have to have a wank after making love to you!"

 Fred reply's "and WHAT that actually works" said Fred. Yep like a charm every time said Ted. Ohh ok I shall try that tomorrow said Fred. The next day Fred came back to work all battered and bruised and torn to shreds, Ted with amazement rushed over to Fred and said "what the hell did you say??" Fred soo innocently replied " alls I said was Nappy head Nappy head eyes like a frog if I could roll your fat arse over I F#@k ya like a dog!!!!!"

Amish Defroster

   An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
   blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
   The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
   Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed
   up.
   The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he said "My
   hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The
   warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands.
   The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
   He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The
   warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose.
   The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
   "My penis is frozen solid."
   The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
   and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
   Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The
   daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't
   they?"

You know you're living in the 00's when: -

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do  not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a  business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different  companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best  jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries  annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,  terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford  four full-time management consultants advising your boss's  boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works  with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE.. 

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway. 

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net. 

26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.

Spouse [noun];
A person who will stand by you  through all of the trouble that you wouldn't have had if you had  stayed single.

There's this guy at a bar, just looking at his  drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big  trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and  gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver  says:  "Come on  man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you  another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that.   This day is the worst of my life.  First, I sleep through the alarm, and I  go late to my office.  My boss, outraged, fires me.  When leave the  building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.  The police, they say they  can do nothing.  I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.  The cab driver just drives
away.  I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with  the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.  And when I was  thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my  poison!!!"

one liners...

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have  had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;  nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging  naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,  "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a  shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came  off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox,  the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a  toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast-fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room  and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he  pulled through."

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent  a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him  to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find  them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I  get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; What's wrong  with me?"
He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of  sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can  I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his  lap; he was in the electric chair.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

 The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a  restaurant and a laundry, have got the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do  everything they can do; the necessity
of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;  how  her relationship with her mother is
 improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a  distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few  litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says "The parrot on the left costs $500."

 "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man. The owner says, "well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "to be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

 "Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

 "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

A father is a man with pictures in his  wallet, where he used to keep his money when he was  single.

A married fellow gets home early from work and  hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.  He rushes upstairs to  find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

 "What's  up?" he asks.

 "I'm having a heart attack," cries the  woman.

 He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's  dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!  Daddy!   Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes  on!"

 The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the  bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.   Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

 "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's  having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked  scaring the kids?"

One night a father overheard his son saying his  prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the  father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his  prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The  next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little  worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again  overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone  nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up  early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through  lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When  he got home he apologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey.
I had a very bad day  at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A  BAD DAY!?" the wife
yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this  morning!"

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Whom is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

There was a German an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die.

1. To be shot.

2. To be hung.

3. To be injected with the Aids virus for a slow death.

The German said, "shoot me in the head", BOOM, he died instantly!

The Italian said, "hang me". SNAP ! he was dead.

The Redneck said, "give me one of  that AIDS stuff", So the guard gave him the shot. 

The redneck fell to the floor laughing! The guards looked at each other , wondering what was wrong with his guy! The Redneck (still laughing) said, "give me another shot", so the guards did. Now the redneck was laughing so hard he had tears rolling down his face! Finally the said, "what is wrong with you? "The Redneck replied, You guys are soo stupid....

I'm wearing a condom!

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. "

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs,"
 The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot to the spiders and stamped them flat.
 "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!"

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes!
He probably spent a lot of time in prison,and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he
was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if
we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey.
I love you too..."

AFGHAN TV GUIDE

 MONDAYS:
 8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
 8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

 TUESDAYS:
 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

 WEDNESDAYS:
 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
 8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
 10:00 - "Veilwatch"

 THURSDAYS:
 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

 FRIDAYS:
 8:00 - "Judge Laden"
 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
 9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
 9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
 10:00 - "No-witness News"

oh dear	oh dear	oh dear!!!!!

A teacher asks her class .

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left"?

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None........they all fly away with the first gun shot "

The teacher replies: "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking"......................

Then Little Johnny says: "I have a question for YOU". There are 3 woman sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking  the sides of the triple scoop of ice cone the second is gobbing down down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is bitting off the top of the ice cream.

"Which one is Married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal......replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone "

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring

one,...........but i like your thinking!!!!"

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. 
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. 
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!"

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up,
since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. 
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. 
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. 
Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. 
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. 
That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. 
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. 
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. 
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. 
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. 
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. 
When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go to the bath room.

He yelled out "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!!!"

The teacher replied......."NOW JOHNNY!"

"That is not the proper word to use in this situation !!!!"

The correct word you want  to use is "urinate".

Please use the word correctly ,and I will allow you to go"

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!!!"

NEED A PUSH?

 A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud  pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
 "Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the  morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed.  "Who was it?" asks his wife.  "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"
 "Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife.  "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him."
 The man does as he is told. He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
 "Hello! Are you still there?"
 Yes," comes the answer.
 "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
 "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
 "Where are you?" asks the husband.
 Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.

A man walked into the Walgett Oasis, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
 Fifteen dollars.   If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

How to satisfy a WOMAN every time:


        Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech,
sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack and do it again.

 How to satisfy a MAN every time:


         Show up naked...with beer !!

Little Johnny goes to school and the teacher says. "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class."

"Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?

Little Johnny waves his hand.............

"ME.....ME.......MISS ROGERS me !"

Miss Rogers : " all right little Johnny what is your multi-syllable word ?"

Little Johnny says :"MAS-TUR-BATE"

Miss Rogers smiles and says. "WOW, Little Johnny, that's a mouth full!"

Little Johnny says , "No Miss Rogers, your thinking of a blowjob ".

THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It  makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said

  WHY

 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

 Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

 Why is a boxing ring square?

 Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

 Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

 Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

 Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"

 Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?

 You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
 why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
 and drive?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender:

"Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice,  the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blonde, the BOUNCER is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate."
"What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225lb and he's a blonde weight lifter," he continues, the fella to your right is blonde, 6'5" and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A recently married "Wildcat" couple were on holiday in Pakistan.  They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they were about to pass a small sandal shop.  From inside they heard a man with a Pakisani accent say.

"You foreigners.  Come in.  Come into my humble shop."  So the Wildcats walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them,  "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.  Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camal.

"Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was the husband asked the man,  "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

"The Pakistani man replied "Just try them on Saiheeb.

"Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife finally conceded to try them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen for many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani man then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!!"

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?

2. Do I look like a f***ng people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

5. You! Off my planet!!

6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

7. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

9. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

10. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

11. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

12. Earth is full....Go home!!!

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in math.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked "How much is 2 x 3?" I said 6

" But that's right !"

"Then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2 ?"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father .

"That's  what I said !"

"THE RIGHT DAY FOR SEX"

 A recent study found out which days men prefer to have Sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".....

 An example of those days are:

 Tuesday
 Thursday
 Thanksgiving
 Today
 Tomorrow
 Thaturday
 Thunday

Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint of brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine, and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

 Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

" 85 Rules of being a MAN "

1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis.)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everthing. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.  Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.  (Probably all of them--- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You
may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an
answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey,
will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess
how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning.
Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica
of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 50%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her
again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer.  Drink beer.  Play with
yourself.  Have sex.  Drink more beer.  Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say
anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with
YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to
cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and
it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it.
You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh
loud, laugh heartily.
67. Lie.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is
for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at
least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69.  69
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk
to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll
pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few
minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his
daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else,
she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted
to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up ... and twenty girls on
top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt.
Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try
your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do
what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it
and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part.. If no one
rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way
you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it."
Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.
82. One word: FOOTBALL!
83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
85. LIE.

Why girls shouldn't skydive naked!

A man and his son are walking through a highly built-up Manhattan when they come across an empty space and the father stops to reflect for a while.

"Imagine son," the father says "exactly 31 years ago the great twin towers stood proudly in this area".

 Intrigued by the comment the son then asks "What were the twin towers dad?"

To which the father replies "They were two of the largest buildings in the world and they housed many thousands of offices.... but in 2001 they were destroyed by Arabs"

The son pauses for a while and then asks "What were Arabs dad?"

And why guys shouldn't either!!!!

She Was So Blonde

    1.She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    2.She thought a quarterback was a refund.

    3.She tripped over the cordless phone.

    4.She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    5.She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

    6.She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    7.At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

    8.If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

    9.When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

   10.She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

   11.When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

   12.She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

   13.Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.

   14.What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.

   15.Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.

   16.What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.

   17.Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".

   18.What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds.

Code Word For Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

 One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

 The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

 The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Subject: Subject: Alcohol Warning

Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

A Blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.

 "Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

 "Oh shit!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front

The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Subject: Sometimes


Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears......

Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt...

Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress......

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ......

But fart just one time...

Signs You're Broke.......

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a  large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

Salvation Army sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

You owe yourself money.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

Dear Prime Minister,

    We would like to express our concern at the recent deepening Boat People crisis. We believe they should be allowed to come ashore as soon as possible! These people are obviously homeless, starving and in poor health. As proud Australians willing to do our duty for the good of the nation, we offer our clubhouse to them as soon as it's possible to get them here! We feel this of course, is the only acceptable humanitarian solution. It is for their health's sake, and the sake of Australia's worsening image on the world political scene, over these unfortunate incidents,  that we ask the Department of Immigration to fast track their applications. We want to do our bit in resolving this deepening crisis! So you won't get them mixed up, enclosed is a photo of the poor immigrants we are offering to take.

Your sincerely,

The Wildcats.

Subject: Mickey Mouse ?

 Trick-or-Treat

On October 31 I was visited by a small tot about seven years old. After answering the door he said "Brick or breat!" I said "What?"
He repeated "Brick or breat!"
"I guessed you meaned Trick or Treat"
I said. He informed me "That's what I said, Brick or Breat."
Wanting to get my money's worth I said "What are you supposed to be?
He replied "I am a birate"
I said "What?" He repeated "I am a birate"
Noting his costume I said "You mean a pirate"
He said "That's what I said I am, a birate"
Still trying to get my money's worth I asked "Where are your buccaneers?
He replied "THEY'RE UNDER MY BUCKING CAP!!"

The Windows Series!

The Unemployment office.

Paddy and Sean roll up to the unemployment office and notice a sign  "Tree Fellers" wanted .

Paddy turns to Sean an says if Seamus was here we could've had dis  here job.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The assistant does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and  stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drop off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

 ============ PART TWO==============

A minute later, Seamus arrives.

He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar  'peeper bag'.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the  edge of  the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says,"An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshootIng nider."

 ========== PART THREE ================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up.

He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar'peeper bag'.  Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin hengliding".

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

  Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

   Why is a boxing ring square?

  Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

  Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

   Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

  Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

   Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

   Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? duh!

   Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?hummmm

   Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

  Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is made from?

  Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

  Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

What do cattle dogs and Harley's have in common? They both like going home on the back of a ute!

New Zealand Navy

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines.
"No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry?
That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well then," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics.
"And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on  your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

New Zealand Airforce

THEORY of RELATIVITY


Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy. I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it
made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

TWO DWARFS
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all
night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first
mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard  on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"  I
couldn't even get on the f*cking bed.."

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "In Sooth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He says "In Australia we have so many fu**ing South Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

Viagra woman

Love's Texas


 Dear Diary:
 May 30, 2001:

Just moved to Texas, now THIS is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.  Mountains and deserts blend together.  What a place!  Watched the sunset from a park lying on a  blanket.  It was beautiful.  I've finally found my home.  I love it here!

June 14, 2001:
Really heating up.  Got to 100 today.  But...not a problem.  Live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.  I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30, 2001:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today---lots of cactus and rocks.  What a breeze to maintain!  No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here!

July 10, 2001:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.  How do people get used to this kind of heat?  Well, at least it's nice and windy.  Getting  used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.

July 15, 2001:
Fell asleep by the pool.  Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body! Missed two days of work-what a dumb thing to do!  I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the 'ole sun in a climate like this.

July 20, 2001:
I missed Morgan (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to my car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery!  I told the kids she ran away.  The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits!!  No more pets in this heat!!

July 25, 2001:
This wind sucks!  It feels like a giant, freaking blow dryer!!  And it's hot as hell!  The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts!

July 30, 2001:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.  $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside!  Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4, 2001:
It's 115 degrees!  Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.  It cost me $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90 degrees!
Stupid repairman pissed in my pool----I hate this stupid state!


Aug 8, 2001:
If another wise ass says, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out!  By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted, freaking Garfield!!  Damn heat!


Aug 9, 2001:
Tried to run some errands after work.  I wore shorts and sat on the black leather seating in the 'ole car.  I thought my ass was on fire!  I lost two layers of flesh!  Now my car smells like burnt ass AND fried cat!

Aug 10, 2001:
The weather report might as well be a recording:
Hot and sunny!
It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might REALLY warm up next week!  Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert?
Water rationing will be next, so $1,700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the pool!  EVEN a cactus can't live in this heat!

Aug 14, 2001:
Welcome to Hell!!  Temperature got to 113 today!
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of my Lincoln!  The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail!

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when he sees an  Indian thumbing a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been  long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.

 After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front  seat. "What's in the bag?," asks the Indian.

 "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife," says the salesman.

 The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

Dear Abby,


I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her that she was too young for me. I'm 49 and she was 32 , 17 years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.

Abby, I told her I felt people were staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honoured to go out with me.

Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me. Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us. Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is because of our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this
whole thing and wonder if I should continue with the relationship. Why do people have to be so rude....?

Sincerely,
John

PS: I have attached a picture of Laurie

The royal shower


Prince Charles is having a shower. Although he is in a loving relationship he occasionally feels the need for an empty and this is one of those occasions.

Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the Royal Seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" says the Prince. "You can't do that, you'll destroy the reputation of the Monarchy. And my mother will have another fit!"

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Prince offers to buy the camera from the photographer and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million pounds.

 The Prince then dries himself and heads off with his new camera. He meets one of his many housekeepers, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera Charles," she says. "How much did  it cost you?"

"Two million pounds," replies Charles.

"Two million pounds!" says the housekeeper, "they must have seen you
coming..."

Women achieves equality


      Here is a heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world.

      Barbara Walter's did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet  behind their husbands.

      She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walter's approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

      "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman

You know you're from Louisiana if............

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. (or waiting for a train!)

Vacation means going to the family reunion.

You measure distance in minutes.

You know several people who have hit a roo.

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.

You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.

You use fix as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

You know what cow tipping and snipe hunting is.

You only own three spices: Tony's, ketchup, and Tabasco.

The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.

You know whether another Louisianan is from southern or northern Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.

There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or  more.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as goin wal-martin or off to Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavour.

You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread  with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as biscuits n' gravy)

You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from  Louisiana.

Why Stick figure people haven't survived!

Out of the mouths of babies comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."

Hi , I need a favour. I have friends from cross country who are camping their way around the world. They have asked me if I know where they might be able to go without spending large amounts of money.

I promised them would try my friends and family for accommodation. They travel light and bring all their own camping gear, and only require a small place to set up, they also like children. I have given them your name and address anyway in anticipation of a warm welcome. Just in case you don't recognize them when they turn up, I have enclosed a picture to help identification.

(See attached)

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra  and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,  "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department  store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
"Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied,
"Have you tried Clearasil?"

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I  can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3  hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How  long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,  follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7  feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and  shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

blonde copier

Congratulations

 While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down  next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

 "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

 "What are you celebrating?" he asked.

 "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my  gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

 "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

 "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

 "How did it happen?"

 "I switched cocks."

 "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
 

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well , he was a big muscular and  handsome sailor". "Well , what did he want to do?" they all asked. She  said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't  have that much". So I told him that oral sex would  $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well how much do you  have"? The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said  "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand". He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I  put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand" "Oh my god" they all exclaimed,  it must have been huge, then what did you do?" I loaned him $75!" she  said.

 The retiring Hooker after working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally  retire.
Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry.
Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.
She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been  with a woman and they were soon afterward married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When  she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this  rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?"
He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a  kangaroo,  we're going to need all the room we can get!"

DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four 
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate - when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are also to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that
you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

At the Zoo

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the
animal and the scientific name in Latin.

A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1.  COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
 
2.  BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
 
3.  DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
 
4.  WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
 
5.  DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
 
6.  YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7.  IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8.  IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, C OVER YOUR MONKEY
 
9.  IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
 
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
 
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
 
13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
 
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
 
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
 
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANISE YOUR TOOL
 
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
 
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
 
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOUR WILL NEVER HARM HER
 
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ... (READ THEM OUT LOUD)

1) That's not right...............Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive? ..Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP....................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man.....................Dum Gai

5) Small Horse....................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.......Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here.........Wai So Dim?

> >>> >10) I thought you were on a diet..Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone.......No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai YuKum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight...........Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odour is offensive....Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great..........................Fu Kin Su Pah

Rules for combat.....and life.

*When in doubt, empty your magazine
*Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are
*No plan survives the first contact intact
*Try to look unimportant--the bad guys might be low on ammo
*Incoming fire has the right of way
*Friendly fire--isn't
*If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!!!
*Anything you do can get you shot--including doing nothing
*Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out
*Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs
*Murphy was a grunt
* You are NOT bullet-proof.
* There is always a way; that way is always mined.
* Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at.
* If orders can be misunderstood they will be.
* The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
* Never reinforce failure; failure reinforces itself.
* Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
* Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
* Mine fields are not neutral.
* The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
* If your attack is going well, it's an ambush.
* When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
* Never stand when you can sit.
* Never sit when you can lie down.
* A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds.
* The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
* Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss.
* The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired.
* Interchangeable parts are not.
* The item you need is always in short supply.
* The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of its operator.
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
* No combat ready group ever passes inspection.
* No inspection ready group ever survives combat.
* All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps.
* Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
* If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
* Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
* Tracers work both ways.
* The effective killing radius of a grenade is greater than the distance the average soldier can throw it.
* Military intelligence is an oxymoron.

BAD NEWS

 A man left his cat with his brother while  he went on vacation for a week. When he  came back, the man called his brother to  see when he could pick the cat up.

 The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so  sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

 The man was very upset and yelled, "You know,  you could have broken the news to me better  than that. When I called today, you could  have said he was on the roof and wouldn't  come down. Then when I called the next day,
 you could have said that he had fallen off  and the vet was working on patching him up.
 Then when I called the third day, you could  have said he had passed away."

 The brother thought about it and apologized.

 "So how's Mom?" asked the man.

 "She's on the roof and won't come down."

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BAD HAIR WHEN...

 ...birds return to your hair every year to nest.

 ...people ask you what it's like to get electrocuted.

 ...people stop you on the street and ask if you do children's birthday parties.

 ...children point at your head and say... "What's your kitty's name?"

 ...you're asked to remove your hat in a restaurant even though you're not wearing one.

 ...you get barber shop gift certificates for birthdays and Christmas.

 ...dogs growl at your head.

 ...a parent points to your head and says to their kid, "That's what will happen to you if  you don't eat all your vegetables".

 ...your barber asks you, "Should I cut that one on the top?"

 ...you get job offers from Ringling Bros. Circus.

 ..you accidentally get pruned while standing  near a hedge.

FORGIVE THY ENEMIES?

       The new preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your  Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he
       asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half  held up their hands.

       Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and  repeated his question.

       This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he  lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his
       question.

       With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old  gentleman in the rear.

       "Mr. McNeese, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

       "I don't have any."

       "Mr. McNeese, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

       "Eighty six"

       "Mr. McNeese, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to eighty six and not
       have an enemy in the world."

       The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around.  "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy" said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the 3 boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.
And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.
As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him,  "So did you make any new friends today?" "Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck." His mother laughed and replied,
"No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

The Prognosis

 Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Alma, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and I hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen"

Another Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's "willy" is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.

Oh!  Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask.
"How big is my behind?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to screw my  best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead!!!

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic.
Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golfs all day

One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day.

He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible.

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

   John & David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dived in to the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled John out. When the medical director became aware of David's heroic act he immediately ordered David to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When the director went to tell David the news he said, "David, I have good news & bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able tojump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is, John, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." David replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
 He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
 She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
 "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
 "We use it for sex."
 The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually, people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
 The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the kids out."

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@OCDSB.edu.on.ca or Elvis-the-King@OCDSB.edu.on.ca
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
Don't use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

A few stories from our nation's(USA) Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
 "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
 But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting, punching and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, he'll have a short attention span so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," said Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret ... "You know, woman to woman."

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she' s 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Redneck census form

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob   [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe   [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray   [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue   [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae   [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack  [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer        [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser  [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed   [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name:  __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:  __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name:  __________________________
Lover's Name:      __________________________
2nd Lover's Name:     __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
 [_] Sister   [_] Aunt [_] Brother  [_] Uncle [_] Mother   [_] Son [_] Father   [_] Daughter [_] Cousin   [_] Pet [_] Best friend's wife
Relationship with lover:
[_] Sister   [_] Aunt [_] Brother  [_] Uncle [_] Mother   [_] Son [_] Father   [_] Daughter [_] Cousin   [_] Pet[_] Best friend's wife

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed:      ___
Number of children that are yours:      ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade     [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
 ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck         ____ kitchen ____ bedroom       ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed          ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer    [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow  [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown   [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man                  [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know

Sounds about right....
 Thursday August 9 2001, 8:45 PM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.  He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,  "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".

A prominent heart surgeon had died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge heart.
After the priest had read the sermon, family and friends said their goodbyes, the huge heart opened up and the coffin disappeared into it for cremation and the heart closed.
At this point one of the mourners began laughing.
A man next to him frowned and asked what he was laughing at.
"I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I was thinking about my own funeral", the mourner said.
"What's amusing about that?"
"I'm a gynaecologist"

Great Signs
 At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't,  you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant but she's right."

Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her best friend was waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great!  First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, it wasn't Al Gore after all.

WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT REALLY SHOULD

 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
    Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom
    faucet on and off with your toes.

 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
    The act, when vacuuming, of running over a
    string or a piece of lint at least a dozen
    times, reaching over and picking it up,
    examining it, then putting it back down to
    give the vacuum one more chance.

 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize
    the piece of candy you dropped on the floor
    by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
    'remove' all the germs.

 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two
    people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
    theater or airplane.

 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that
    refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep
    backing a person across the room until he finally
    decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n.
    Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk
    container so badly that one has to resort to
    the 'illegal' side.

 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
    restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
    around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

 8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
    dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
    were calling just as they answer.

 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on
    a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
    The act of always letting the phone ring at
    least twice before you pick it up, even when
    you're only six inches away.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I love cooking with wine.
    Sometimes I even put it in the food.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Everyone has a photographic memory.
    Some just don't have film.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I know God won't give me more than I can handle.
    I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
    You grow old because you stop laughing.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    We cannot change the direction of the wind...
    but we can adjust our sails.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Some days are a total waste of makeup.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Do you believe in love at first sight...
    or should I walk by you again?

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When life gives you scraps, make quilts

   -----------------------------------

........Her Side Of The Story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore.

................ His Side Of The Story: 

Shit day at work. Tired. Got a root but.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,  laid down the following rules;
 "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't  expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table  unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing  when I want with my old buddies and don't give me a hard time about it.

 Those are my rules."

His new bride said, "That's fine with me. Just understand that there'll  be  sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

Husband and wife has a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,  'Here Lies My Wife- Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah!" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads  "'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff at Last.'"
 

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any painkillers because  I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed, "You're certainly a courageous woman,"  he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth dear."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back...."Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

One doctor husband and wife are having a fight at breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says  "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion" she says.

And if that's not enough there's more here!!!!!!