Sydney Body Art 05

Well folks, I’m back home after a very interesting weekend, and after racking my brain for an explanation as to what the hell caused it to happen. I have finally narrowed it down to a seemingly innocuous event that occurred some weeks ago.

It happened as I was riding through the local shopping centre, and as you do, I was checking myself out in the windows, when I noticed the reflection of another biker dressed like me, and who was riding a bike that looked just like mine, the only difference being that this bloke looked really old and decrepit. After turning my head around to say g’day to him you can imagine my surprise to find no-one there riding with me, the sudden realisation that I was in fact, the old decrepit bloke looking back at myself, right there and then, prompted me to do something about regaining my erstwhile good looks.

Over the course of the next few weeks I found out that all the available cures were not all that they were cracked up to be, the change of diet from steak, egg and chips to tofu and alfalfa, had the undesirable effect of raising my methane output to that of a small herd of dairy cows, much to the disgust of my long suffering wife Kaz, as we snuggled under the doona. The plastic surgeon suggested that I would be better off getting a quote from the panel-beater, but when I talked to him he said that although he liked a challenge, he didn’t think he could find spares for a model as old as mine, and enquiries at the local gym saw the aerobics instructor being carted off to hospital after collapsing on the floor from hysterical laughter, which I thought was a bit unkind, although I did send her a get well card a couple of weeks later when she came out of her catatonic state.

Then just as it seemed to be at its darkest there appeared on the horizon a glimmer of light in the form of an email to the Wildcats website, it was from Jake Lloyd Jones and he was looking for a couple of marshals on motorbikes to help with ‘The Sydney Body Art Ride’, this living art on pushbikes event was to promote healthy living and also supporting ‘Children’s Cancer Research’, however the bit that started the brain cogs ticking over, was, that on offer was the option of being painted silver to identify you from the rest of the participants who were to be various other colours. With thoughts of how the real-estates, “Renovators Dreams” are miraculously transformed with a coat of paint, I envisaged the same happening to me and immediately sent him a reply saying, ‘Count me in’!!!

Finally the big day arrived and a short run down to Randwick Racecourse in Sydney for the muster saw me registered and entering the painting area. With my head full of thoughts of the forthcoming transformation from old biker, to a brand new, shining silver Adonis like figure, I stripped down to my speedos, and started to apply, with Kaz’s help, the provided paint. Well I’m buggered if I know what happened other than I must have got a bad batch of paint, because as all the other blokes finished painting and stood around in a vibrant rainbow show of colour with their “budgie smuggler” Speedos appearing to contain at least a wedge-tailed eagle and a couple of boulders, my body on the other hand, at best, looked like a couple of spuds badly wrapped in alfoil and my “budgie smugglers” looked as if they contained only a very small anorexic humming bird.

Not withstanding this somewhat large setback in my attempt to regain lost youth, I resolved to give it another try again at a later date, fired the bike up and headed off to South Maroubra Beach with the rest of the participants. With the police doing a great job with traffic control there was not a lot I needed to do and I enjoyed an, albeit for me, somewhat unusual ride and eventually ended up at the beach, and then, with all the other painted people ran into the surf to wash the paint off. Looking back at it, although the restoration paint job failed I did get to have a good ride and a swim in the surf, so like they say “every cloud has a silver lining”. Though in this particular case it should also have included the crack between the cheeks of my arse as well, as I discovered when I finally got home.

In conclusion, all up an unusual ride, and there’s not much more can I say that the photos haven’t.

On a serious note though, congratulations to all involved, and just in case I might have been looking at the event through bikers bug coloured glasses, drop into the Sydney Body Art Ride webpage at

Well that's a fine tale you spin there Crusty. The truth is that despite the angle of the dangle and the tongue in places unmentionable, he rode with a chronically bad back all the way to Sydney because he didn't want to let anyone down. This unfathomable damn pom would make any dull day a dazzler. For a self confessed hummingbird smuggler he's got an oversized heart.

I arrived at the start of this event just as he was being interviewed by a camera crew and all I heard was, *and my name is Crusty.* His support crew were formed up and waiting and all we could do was bend over double and hope not to wet our pants too much. That opening pretty well set the scene for the day. Laugh? We laughed and laughed and it was wonderful to see the smiles and the spirit everyone displayed. The humour and goodwill made it an experience. It seemed almost incidental that this was organised to raise funds for the Children's Cancer Institute Australia and promote healthy, sustainable living.

Now a picture does tell a thousand words and these below say it all oh so well. Thirty years since his last dip and with mobile phones programmed to call Greenpeace in case of an oil slick, it was a classic to watch. Pictures 3 and 4 below really do say it all and then some! Finally with a gut sucking inhalation and with pirate like sunken chest as a result, he took the ocean on. It didn't part exactly and he sank like other mere human beings and the Venus de Milo look soon disappeared. Matter of fact he tucked up so much that even the humming bird claim was questionable.

But from the sea he did return! Well done ya crusty ole bugga! Well done everyone on what is bound to become a major event on the Sydney calendar!

but fair go......can't be right...........He even claims that he's been invited back! Think he must have overheard another conversation...................................

one click on the boots reveals Crusty's most worrisome moment of the day!

Might take a while to load! How embarrassment!

NB: If any participants appearing on this site would like their photos removed please email us and it will be done ASAP. It is not our intent to offend anyone, only to support a fun event.