ulmurra report

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Ulmarra Race Day - as seen through the eyes of the Hefalump.

Well the Friday rolled around and as usual we (me and my human) were running ridiculously late again. So I got roughly elastic banded to the handle bars of the Birdie and off we went at a legal pace of around #!$%*& kms per hour. We met with Bruce, Kate, Anne, Ros & Fu at Glenn Innes and took a leisurely ride to Grafton, which became a little drawn out as we had to wait for Bruce (Road Captain) to have a couple of quick CHUNDERS on the side of the road at the top of the Gibraltar Ranges (It wasn’t the grog either HA). I must say it was enough to make a Hefalump green and then to watch Fu poke it with a stick to check for carrots, deary me.

We arrived at Ulmarra at around 5pm and walked straight to the bar where we were greeted by Tally & Shell. Tally bought me a beer and Shell lit me a smoke. The next round was on the house thanks to Kate and Dale - I guess they thought that an Hefalump couldn’t possibly drink too much. Fooled them didn’t I. We settled in to a bit of steady drinking and some heavy bullshitting (or should I say Hefalump Crapping) until Pat, JH and Fay showed up around ???? Fuck knows because I couldn’t read my humans watch by this time. Pat is known for his love of Jack Daniels, and a full bottle was devoured in under an hour. By this time I was starting to get a little loud so Pat promptly hung me from the nearest light where I awoke next morning.

The big day had arrived and it was onto the bus for a quick trip into Grafton racecourse. After last year just sitting around at the bar with my human and Pat dribbling shit and drinking grog I decided that this year I was going to find myself a woman and get around and see more of what was going on. Lucky for me Ferg had stayed at home and Pat was busy at the bar with Palmer doing the obvious (Drinking) so me being as cool, and I must say cute, as I am it was no problem to sweep Anne and Liz of their feet and spend a cozy day with the 2 of them. We started off with a quick jump on the bouncing castle, followed by a ride on one of the horses , which was met with some really weird looks and people pointing and staring. You would think they had never seen an Hefalump before - FOOLS. We then wandered around had some corporate photos taken and a quick drink in the corporate lounge - cool aye.

By this time the days festivities were starting to take their toll, and a quick spew in the nearest garbage was warranted. Keep an eye on the site for the photos of Hefalump's Day Out - my two girlfriends got it all on film. I progressed from here to the bar to check what the boys where up to and of course as would be expected they had nearly lost all the money in our gambling pool. They are absolutely hopeless without there esteemed Hefalump to help. So to drag them out of the POO I suggested that the rest of the money be used to back two horses, one in Sydney and one in the last local race. You wouldn’t read about it in a Woolworth's window but they both came in and won a total of $495.00. Told you, the Hefalump saves the day again. From here it all started to get a wee bit blurry as the money was put over the bar and none of the Wildcats had to buy another beer all night, and what a night it was. Bruce our resident Pyromaniac “FOUND ” (Ha!) a bag full of Fireworks and lit the main street of Ulmarra up to the cheers of the locals especially when one large cracker fell over and shot him in the arse (I mean there is a fair bit of territory there for it to find) The local law establishment took a rather dim view of this, though we had run out of fireworks by the time they pulled up.

So from an Hefalump's perspective a damn good time was had by all and by all was had a good time so remember to keep your eyes out for the photos (I hope Anne and Liz burned the Threesome photo - Ferg and Pat don’t need to see an Hefalump in action). Until next time which I think will be the Yowie rally and then on to Stan's party at Walgett keep the shiny side up and the rubber side down.

Hefalump